Happy Fun Pundit

2002-10-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

What are you Doing Here?

Happy Fun Pundit has moved. If you are seeing this message, you followed a link to 'happyfunpundit.blogspot.com'. If this link was on another web site, please let them know that we have moved.

The new web site is at www.happyfunpundit.com. Soon with a new site design and more crunchy pundity goodness. See you there!

2002-10-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

Dems Gain Control of Senate!

Happy Fun Pundit operative "Dan"

Confused Since Jeffords' Defection?

Could Explain a Lot, Says Co-Commentator

2002-10-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Fun Pundit Moving

Well, after struggling for half a year to stay up and running on blogger, we've thrown in the towel. We are moving our web site to a new host, which will not only improve reliability of the site and access to the archives, but it will give us the ability to do a few more sophisticated things on the web site. Be afraid.

If you have us linked somewhere as happyfunpundit.blogspot.com, please change it to happyfunpundit.com. And if our domain or web site is a little confused for a while, it will be due to the move. Unless the Democrats gain control of the Senate. Then it's their fault.

2002-10-24T14:04:00.000-07:00

Incredibly Vague Threat Mobilizes Sacramento

The FBI has warned law enforcement agencies in Sacramento and New York of a possible terrorist threat against targets in those cities, while simultaneously ridiculing those threats as too vague to have any credibility.

"The information is so non-specific that there is nothing one can do to reasonably thwart what might or might not happen," said Michael Mason, special agent in charge of the Sacramento FBI field office. "It is information that, if it was on a scale of one to 100, I would give it a one."

One unnamed source, who agreed to speak to Happy Fun Pundit on the condition that we protect his identity by using a funny typeface, went even further:

I'd have to say that you'd be a complete jackass to respond to this threat. Anyone with even the slightest amount of sense would dismiss this threat as the worst kind of schoolyard whisper, utterly without credibility. This is the kind of threat that comes from someone driving past a power plant and saying, hey, it would suck if terrorists wrecked the power plant. And this remark was not made by someone you know, but someone who's a friend of your cousin from upstate. That's how credible the threat is. Frankly, this threat sucks. It's a lousy, stupid, good-for-nothing threat. You know what? I'm just gonna flat out say, don't respond to this threat. Don't do anything. It's just so lame that it's an embarrassment. Please... in the name of all that's sacred... you should ignore this threat. Nonetheless, we're advising local law enforcement to be have an extra cup of coffee on Friday, just to be on the safe side.

The state government has responded to the threat by moving Governor Gray Davis' hair to a secure, undisclosed location.

Davis Do: Gubernatorial Coiffure Safe From Ominous But Insubstantial Threat

2002-10-22T13:35:00.000-07:00

Universe May Be Within Ten Billion Years of Destruction

Scientists at Stanford University have put forward a new theory on the expansion and contraction of the universe, postulating that the universe may be "middle-aged" and could collapse and vanish with 10-20 billion years. The key to this new idea is that the so-called "dark energy", which is hypothesized to drive the universe's expansion, may be changing in nature and could eventually become a compressive force, leading to universal instability and collapse.

Opponents of the war in Iraq were quick to point out that US President George W. Bush has completely ignored the problem of universal contraction in his "mad rush to war", and urged him to deal with this new problem before embarking on "overseas adventures". As Massachussetts Senator Ted Kennedy told reporters this morning:

To anyone with a sense of perspective, this new and ominous threat to the entire universe vastly outweighs any partisan concerns about a unilateral invasion of Iraq. Let America be a leader in providing humanitarian aid to those in developing countries affected by the collapse of the universe. Let's take those people of the third world who might otherwise be living under conditions like those found in the trash compactor in 'Star Wars', and build them decent housing --- with really strong walls --- to live through universal collapse with dignity.

Al Gore had similar remarks, but added that the compression of all matter in the universe is good news for those not in thrall to oil companies:

Smaller matter means smaller vehicles. Smaller vehicles are more efficient, have less environmental impact, and emit fewer greenhouse gases. We should welcome universal collapse with understanding and open arms, rather than buying into the scare rhetoric of energy interests and professors at elite universities. And, as Senator Kennedy has pointed out, it would be the height of irresponsibility for this nation to begin a new and ill-advised war before the collapse of the universe has been fully understood and dealt with.

Gore was also observed trying to get his wedding back on his sausage-link fingers, which have swollen enormously due to the former vice-president's habit of eating a lot.

International commentators were quick to condemn the collapse of the universe as "yet another example of American greed and non-multi-lateralness", pointing out that America's large mass contributes much more compressive gravitational force to the universe than the masses of smaller countries like as France and Germany. Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien was quick to point out that, though Canada's land mass equals or exceeds America's, his Liberal government had taken strong measures to ensure that "dat weren't, you know, a bad ting, like da America mass."

In Palestine, PA leader Yasser Arafat called the universal collapse as "a Jewish trick to undermine the peace process" and "a backdoor method for illegally stealing more land for that illegal occupation-thing that Jews do, and also making my baby wipes smaller." He then angrily soiled his pants.

Fantastically biased and stupid news service Reuters ran the news under the headline "Israelis, Americans Deny Role in Massacre of Everything in Universe, Including Children and Cute Puppies".

2002-10-21T01:54:00.000-07:00

"Private Streisand Brought A Jelly Doughnut Into My Barracks!"

In case you thought Hollywood was populated entirely by lefty anti-war nitwits, check out this article in the Sunday Telegraph, and in particular the remarks of R. Lee Ermey:

"Once again, Barbra Streisand has opened her alligator-sized mouth wide before her humming-bird brain has had a chance to catch up," said Ermey. "Of course, she has the right to her opinion, but what she does is use the 'bully pulpit', helped by her fame, and people think she's talking for Hollywood."

A former Marine, Ermey is best known for his role as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, the drill instructor in "Full Metal Jacket", though he has a long and distinguished history of playing hardass characters. Y'know, "Yentl" and "Prince of Tides" would've been a lot better with a Marine drill instructor...

2002-10-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

And Speaking of Stupid Canadian Politicians...

Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien is back in the news after sharing a stage with the Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrullah, and Amish Tech Support wants help writing songs about it. Happy (and fun!) to oblige:

Jean Chretien's hanging out with Hassan,
"Ooo da heck's dat?"
Hey, Hezbollah talks to Kofi Annan,
Maybe Jean wants in on that.
Venal tongue-tied bumbling halfwit
Canada's PM
Can't imagine a less useful idjit
Outside the UN.

(to the tune of "Swanee River")

Chretien later denied knowing who Nasrullah was, and refused to say whether or not Hezbollah was a terrorist organization. Hang in there, Canada... he can only hang around for 18 more months, tops.

2002-10-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

And Speaking of Stupid Celebrities...

Mark Goldblatt compounds The Dowd Rule in National Review Online. One "I Wish I'd Said That" quotation:

Quick aside on Moore: Flip through his book next time you pass it on a shelf. Note the SENTENCES IN CAPITAL LETTERS. Note the preponderance of exclamation points! In the current climate, Moore is a wobbling monument to the false impression that mouthing egalitarian clichés from the Sixties constitutes a reasoned worldview; in a more literate time, Moore would pass for a JERRY SPRINGER GUEST!

I don't link too often, but this one is too good to pass up.

Speaking of Moore, he's hawking his new movie, "Bowling for Columbine" with an email campaign urging people to go to advance screenings. A few folks have already Fisked the email a bit, but he's such a big target, I'm sure there's room for a few cheap shots ala pundit joyeux.

and no one, in all the advance screenings I have attended, has left the theatre with anything short of rage.

"I paid eight bucks to see that piece of crap! EIGHT BUCKS!"

With this movie I have broadened my canvas to paint a portrait of our nation at the beginning of the 21st century, a nation that seems hell-bent on killing first and asking questions later.

And here I thought you broadened your canvas because you couldn't fit into it anymore.

If it does poorly, I will have a difficult time finding the funding for the movie I want to make next -- a film about 9/11 and how Bush is using that tragic day as a cover for his right-wing agenda.

Don't let that happen. Don't let the NRA have one more success by stopping the wider distribution of this movie. And, together, let us not remain silent in our opposition to Bush's phony war against Iraq.

Why, just the other day, I saw Charlton Heston going door-to-door asking people not to go see "Bowling For Columbine".

It's all there... the paranoia, the delusions of grandeur, and the supersize bags of cheeze doodles.

2002-10-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

The Other WMD

In times like this when tensions are high and countless lives are on the line, it's a wise man who periodically stops for a reality check. From time to time, responsibility behooves us to make a thoughtful consideration of the premises that we use to decide what's right and what's wrong. To do otherwise is to risk extremism, irrationality, irrelevance, and madness.

However, that's a lot of work. What I find is much easier is to see what Woody Harrelson says and does, then say and do the opposite. Woody's penned an editoral for The Guardian giving us the 411 on Iraq and offhandedly solving the problems of government spending in one short paragraph. Not since Barbra Streisand has a celebrity shown such penetrating insight as Woody of Mild Delusions. Check this:

He asks me what I'd do in Bush's shoes. Easy: I'd honour Kyoto. Join the world court. I'd stop subsidising earth rapers like Monsanto, Dupont and Exxon. I'd shut down the nuclear power plants. So I already have $200bn saved from corporate welfare. I'd save another $100bn by stopping the war on non-corporate drugs. And I'd cut the defence budget in half so they'd have to get by on a measly $200bn a year. I've already saved half a trillion bucks by saying no to polluters and warmongers.

Then I'd give $300bn back to the taxpayers. I'd take the rest and pay the people teaching our children what they deserve. I'd put $100bn into alternative fuels and renewable energy. I'd revive the Chemurgy movement, which made the farmer the root of the economy, and make paper and fuel from wheat straw, rice straw and hemp. Not only would I attend, I'd sponsor the next Earth Summit. And, of course, I'd give myself a fat raise.

Right now, somewhere in America, Paul O'Neill is thwacking his forehead and saying, "Stop giving money to the earth-rapers! Gawd-DAMN, why didn't I think of that?".

(This would normally be the obligatory paragraph where I go on and on about how stupid and arrogant Woody is, as well as sticking him with a few more acronyms like "Wildly, Monstrously Dumb", or "What a Motherlovin' Dunce", but it's just too easy. Instead, I'm going for drinks with the polluters and warmongers.)

2002-10-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

Al Qaeda Unveils Fall TV Lineup

A spokesman for al Qaeda say that terrorist doofus Osama bin Laden is alive and in good health, but has put on a few pounds since his last appearance. Evidently, the bloated bin Laden has refused to be videotaped in recent months, embarassed at having become so rotund when many of his followers have been blasted into tiny Halal McNuggets. Abdel Rahman al-Rashed also told Al Majalla magazine that al Qaeda has set up a media department to "address the Muslim people", and presumably chase lucrative advertising dollars to replace funds frozen by the international effort against terrorism.

Happy Fun Pundit has obtained exclusive images from the AQMG's first project, a new bin Laden video:

Osama rallies the troops for jihad in a new Al Qaeda videotape to be shown on al-Jazeera on Saturday morning.

al-Rashed didn't go into details about projects and personnel at the new Al Qaeda Media Group, but one can safely assume that they include The Guardian , British columnist Robert Fisk, and a lot of really stupid people. Industry analysts have criticized al Qaeda's move away from its core competence in terrorism and into the media marketplace, which has been steadily contracting in recent years. "Besides", said one analyst, "the media's controlled by Jews anyway."

2002-10-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

Nelson Mandela: Snitch

Former South African president, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and international nuisance Nelson Mandela has committed a diplomatic gaffe in clear violation of an internationally-recognized law. After his early attempts to persuade the United States not to take military action against Iraq failed, Mandela made a radical move against American president George W. Bush by finking to the latter's father. Experts in the international "law of the playground" were unanimous in their criticism of Mandela:

It's one thing to say, "I'm going to call your dad!" in the heat of the moment. That is a perfectly valid tactic, right up there with "I'm going to report you to the principal's office" or "You say that again and I'm going to have my wife put a flaming tire around your neck." It's another to actually pick up the phone and rat a guy out to his parents. Our system of international relations is based on settling things on the playground, and Mandela has clearly gone beyond this.

It is unclear at this time if George W. Bush was actually grounded, or if he just got one of those "I'm very disappointed in you, George" talks, but is in discussions with his senior advisors formulating a response. Sources close to the Administration have said off the record that leaving a "flaming fudge bag" on Mandela's front door, ringing the doorbell, and running away has been considered, although Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is said to strongly advocate giving Mandela both a wedgie and a purple nurple. Secretary of State Colin Powell, on the other hand, has proposed inviting Mandela to the President's birthday party, on the presumption that they can't help but become friends under such circumstances.

Mandela has also volunteered to be part of a panel of "12 wise men" that Saddam Hussein has proposed to oversee UN weapons inspectors in Iraq, with nine of them acting as a special "security council".

Other possible panelists include Jimmy Carter, Paul Lynde, and Rose Marie.

2002-10-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

Exodus From African Banks Accelerates

Over Half Billion Dollars In Assets At Stake

According to key indicators, the rate of capital flight from African financial institutions is accelerating. Analysts at economic thinktank HFP Corp. today released a study showing that the volume of emails requesting help in moving funds from banks (mostly in Nigeria) has grown enormously in the last two weeks. The study, consisting mostly of the important-looking Excel chart shown below, shows the frightening growth in Nigerian-bank-related spam email.

Among the study's conclusions:

At the current rate, the gullibility-connotating phrase 'then I'd like to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge' will be displaced by 'then I'd like your help in transferring some Nigerian bank money' within five years, thus dooming a fine homegrown phrase to economic irrelevance.

Also sounding the alarm is the World's Best Free Adu1t Megasite, which has complained about anti-competitive practices by Nigerian bank employees and the widows of deposed dictators. According to the World's Best Free Adu1t Megasite Spokesman, Kevin24yqh1@yahoo.com:

The Nigerian spammers are stealing the mindshare of the spam-reading public with claims of fortunes --- ranging from 9.6 to 160 million dollars --- after the Free Adu1t Megasite pioneers blazed the spam trail. Even the best free pr0n can't compete with huge sums that have been abandoned by corporations or not paid to bankrupt contractors. I tell ya, it's enough to make a guy want to be debt-free and creating a paycheck with his computer.

One ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak outlook is the fact that one Nigerian bank director labelled an email as "Urgent and Personal" while including 1,885 email addresses in the CC: field. The bank director in question, Bobby Roberts, obviously has a lot of friends.

2002-10-09T16:19:00.000-07:00

I Got Your Visa, Right *Here*

There are a few topics about which I shouldn't read at work, mostly because the cursing upsets the people in nearby offices. One of those topics is "immigration and visas", and this piece in National Review Online occasioned enough heated profanity that they won't allow children on my floor of the building for at least two weeks, at which time the echoes should have died down.

Longstoryshort: the State Department should not have granted visas to the 9/11 terrorists, simply due to missing or questionable information on their visa applications. The bad guys got them anyway. You'd think someone would look twice when the applicant writes "Kill Infidels and Jews" in the "Reason For Visit" box, then crosses it out and puts "Attend flight school", but no.

This drives me frickin' nuts, because I have been refused a visa on at least three occasions. And I'm a citizen of a country known more for maple syrup and hockey players than for terrorists and religious fanatics. Here's my deal: I'm a Canadian citizen with an electrical engineering degree from a respectable school and many years of experience. I've got no criminal record, and I've never overstayed a visa... the kind of guy you want in your country, doncha think?

Of course, my situation and that of the terrorists are not strictly parallel. I was applying for work visas under the NAFTA agreement, and dealing with the INS (which is part of Justice, not State) but I think the wrongheaded stupidity involved generalizes well. In all cases, I was refused a visa because the INS inspector thought the job involved "software engineering", and according to him, there is no such profession, and therefore someone with an engineering degree (like me) can't be admitted to the US to do such a job. The first time this happened was in late '99 when the tech industry was at its peak and Silicon Valley was screaming for software pros. Uh uh. No software engineers were going to get through the Blaine, Washington border crossing, nosirree, Bob. A few months later at the same border crossing (which I have since learned to avoid) I went through the same rigamarole, with a job offer to work as an engineer, with duties including "designing algorithms". This time the young lady took the trouble to photocopy me the dictionary definition of algorithms and the Occupational Outlook Handbook description of electrical engineers, then proceeded to read them to me. Out loud. Slowly. After reading the definition of algorithms (which fortunately have nothing to do with Al Gore dancing) she looked at me triumphantly and said "That sounds like software engineering to me." and sent me on my way, sans visa.

And it's not just me. Ask anyone who's been through the INS mill; they all have horror stories. When you come to the border, you are completely at the mercy of the INS guy; whether you get to travel on to your new job that day is completely unpredictable and entirely dependent on the whims of a petty bureaucrat who might not like your face, or who's pissed off because your salary will be four times what he's making, even though he gets to carry a piece and wearing a snappy white polyester uniform. And you have no recourse and no appeal if he decides that veeblefetzing is not a professional activity and therefore your veeblefetzing degree and letter offering you a position as Senior Veeblefetzerizer at one of the top veeblefetz firms on the West Coast mean nothing. And some of these guys are mean and nasty --- most Americans probably never get to see them in top form, but if you want to see some true blue assholes in action, go sit in a land border crossing for a few hours and listen to the way that some immigration officers talk to people. This is not to say there aren't helpful and friendly INS officers; I've dealt with quite a few, and once saw an immigration officer do something very kind for a Kosovar refugee. But the jerks are far more obvious, and they're the ones you remember.

On the other hand, I feel for Border Patrol agents, who suffer all kinds of abuse trying to keep illegals from crossing the southern border, and who justifiably get pissed off when politicians completely undermine them by tacitly encouraging illegal immigration. Recently, the legislative AND executive branches have been talking about amnesty for large numbers of illegal aliens, which annoys not only the Border Patrol guys, but those of us who play by the rules AND pay taxes up the wazoo. C'mon, George, who's more likely to vote Republican if only they could?

My point, if I must have one, is that there's something wrong with a system which discourages productive and skilled workers while simultaneously offering amnesty to semi-and-unskilled scofflaws and admitting terrorists with minimal scrutiny. Nobody has a right to come to America, but how about a little sense being applied when deciding who gets in and who doesn't?

Phew. Thanks for listening. I feel better now.

PS: All of this, of course, goes out the window when I find a nice anti-idiotarian American girl to marry. As soon as I have a green card, it will become imperative to keep all those damn foreigners out so they don't steal our jobs.

PPS: Any nice anti-idiotarian American girls in the SF Bay Area are strongly encouraged to contact the author, preferably before his current visas lapses.

2002-10-06T02:03:00.000-07:00

"Does this stance on Iraq make me look fat?"

Al Gore packs on the pounds.

2002-10-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

Sing Along With Yasser

FADE UP to Yasser Arafat and some henchmen sitting in an office. In the background, the sounds of tanks, soldiers, etc. can be heard. Arafat is holding a cellphone to his ear.

ARAFAT: (to HENCHMEN) I got the machine again. (to PHONE) Bill, I know you're there. Pick up. C'mon, be a buddy.

After a moment, he slams the phone down.He sighs and stares into the distance.

ARAFAT: You know, when this happened six months ago, I had a roomful of human shields, and heads of state on call-waiting.

HENCHMAN: I remember that. You'd click over and yell "Show me the money!" then click back. That was hilarious.

ARAFAT: Yeah, well, now even Khadafy is doing the "can't talk right now, gotta get to the UN human rights commission meeting" schtick.

HENCHMAN: Yeah, for sure you used to get more respect.

ARAFAT: Back then, I was General Arafat. I was contender. I was somebody. The world loved me.

The ORCHESTRA breaks into the vamp for Rodgers' and Hart's "I Wish I Were In Love Again". ARAFAT sings:

The PA's smashed, my compound's trashed
The Jews keep finding where my bombs are stashed
The threats to cut off all my Euro cash
I wish we were in love again

The Nobel Prize, the media guys
Repeating blindly my unending lies
While overlooking all my terror ties
I wish we were in love again

No UN
In Jenin
Tanks move in
And I'd rather they'd move out

The crowds would roar and scream for more
I wore my pistol on the UN floor
I hung up on Christiane Amanpour
I wish we were in love again

The White House gave me room and board
I wiped my butt with the Oslo Accords
Now my calls to Clinton are just ignored
I wish we were in love again

Baby wipes
Peacenik types
Smelling ripe
Now human shields are no-shows

Excuse me Jew, won't you eschew
The devastation of my poor HQ
I'm losing my grip and I wish we were in love again
In love again
In loooooove
Again

(with profoundest apologies to Richard Rodgers and especially Lorenz Hart)

2002-09-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

My Dinner With Ted

Recent performances by Ted Kennedy, Tom Daschle, and Al Gore about the question of invading Iraq raise further questions (though I have not raised them, to paraphrase Al Gore)(but give me a moment, because I'm about to raise them). I'm going to give them some benefit of the doubt and assume that they know perfectly damn well that Iraq has to be dealt with. So why the hissy fits and dog-and-pony shows? Jane Galt thinks that Gore is playing to a hard Left audience, knowing that the moderates have given up on him. Are these boys so accustomed to playing to the gallery that they can't help doing it, no matter what the issue?

MRS. KENNEDY: Ted, we're having Sloppy Joes for dinner.

TED KENNEDY: I have come here today to express my view that this family should not eat sloppy joes unless and until other reasonable alternatives are exhausted.

MRS. KENNEDY: Ted, have you been drinking? More than usual, I mean?

TED KENNEDY: It is possible to love dinner while concluding that it is not now wise to eat sloppy joes.

MRS. KENNEDY: Shall I ask the cook to make something else?

TED KENNEDY: The standard that should guide our menu choices is especially clear when nutrition is on the line. We must ask what is right for our family, and not for the cook.

MRS. KENNEDY: Do you want to order out for Chinese?

TED KENNEDY: Resorting to sloppy joes is not our family's only or best course at this juncture. There are realistic alternatives between ordering out for Chinese and declaring unilaterally that we will eat sloppy joes. Chili on buns should be a last resort, not the first response.

MRS. KENNEDY: Ted, what are you talking about? You love sloppy joes.

TED KENNEDY: I know, but the kids don't, and I need their support in our Christmas vacation planning to support my "Drinking Heavily And Racing Volkswagen Beetles" proposal against your "Skiing in Aspen" plan.

2002-09-28T14:30:00.000-07:00

Ten Grand the Hard Way, or "Take that, ya lousy spooks!"

Team Cracks RSA Encryption Challenge

Distributed.net, a worldwide group of computing enthusiasts, have decrypted a message encrypted with RSA Security's RC5 cipher (with a 64 bit key) after a mere four years of having the computers of 331,000 volunteers worldwide work on the problems in their spare time. The prize for winning the challenge (put forth by computer security firm RSA Inc) was $10,000.

The message to all of us should be clear: if you have something to hide, don't get more than a quarter-million nerds mad at you at once, or, if you do, apologize to them within 4 years. Or find them some really cool computer games so their computers are constantly in use. Or introduce them to girls.

The inventor of the cipher, Ron Rivest, was gracious in defeat, saying essentially, "Yep, you busted me.", rather than "Haven't you got anything better to do?" In the same position, Happy Fun Pundit would likely respond with something like "Oh yeah? I wasn't ready. Try it now, ya weenurz!" or "Oh yeah? Double or nothing you can't crack a 66 bit key!", just to watch the geeks fall all over themselves to spend (statistically speaking) sixteen years to earn twenty grand.

In 1996 (before the distributed.net effort began), Rivest and other cryptographers recommended using at least a 90-bit key, and RSA current recommends key lengths of at least 128 bits. Each bit added to the key length approximately doubles the difficulty of finding the key by "brute force", ie guessing.

Rumour has it that distributed.net's next project will be trying the combination 09-09-99 on every combination lock in the world. The date Sept. 9, 1999 is significant as the day the Earth's moon broke out of orbit after an accidental detonation of a nuclear waste dump on the moon, forcing actor Barry Morse to pretend to be Spock until he could get out of his contract after the first season of the relatively unacclaimed TV series, "Space: 1999".

Addendum 1: Dan adds, "Britney Spears better re-encrypt her diary."

Addendum 2: Which is not to say that the whole distributed thing isn't cool, it's just that it accomplished so very little. That the key would be found sooner or later was a pre-ordained conclusion; it was just a question of when. All that computing horsepower could've been used to look at protein folding problems, or coming up with a composition-dependent blackjack methodology, or any one of a number of challenging things.

2002-09-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Daschle Blows a Gasket

"That is outrageous! Outrageous!"

"We ought not to politicize this war! We ought not politicize the rhetoric about war and life and death"

These were the words of a very concerned Tom Daschle, responding to Bush's comment in Trenton N.J. Bush said, "The House responded, but the Senate is more interested in special interests in Washington and not interested in the security of the United States."

It would be hard to blame Daschle for getting upset at the war on Iraq being framed in those terms. Unfortunately, Bush wasn't talking about the war on Iraq. He was talking about the Homeland Security Bill, which is, in fact, tied up in a morass of special interests.

Later, a concerned Daschle explained that he had not actually heard the speech himself. Nor had he actually read a transcript of a speech. Instead, he decided to throw a hissy fit in the Senate over an extremely important national security issue based on what someone told him that they read in an article that someone else wrote about what Bush said.

Good thing no one's politicizing the debate. Oh, and Mr. Daschle, I just heard that someone said that they heard that somebody wrote an article saying you may have already won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes. So it must be true.

2002-09-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

From the "In" Box

FROM: MADDAS NIESSUH,
BAGHDAD, IRAQ.

Dear Friend,

I am contacting you on behalf of my family, and l strongly solicit your assistance in the Almighty name of Allah.

I am MR. MADDAS, the son of the late GENERAL MADDAS, a past Head of State of the Federal Republic of IRAQ. Since my father's death, my entire family has been under immense pressure from the present Government of GREAT SATAN, to make available the BABY MILK in my father's possession. As a result of this, my family has lost billions of GALLONS OF BABY MILK, which my father left behind for his family. Immediately after my father's internment, my mother made numerous attempts to travel out of the country with the BABY MILK my father kept in his country home, but all her efforts were frustrated by the government of the day. This gave my mother a lot of pychological problems. As a result of these failed attempts, l decided to tactically move some of the BABY MILK to a STORAGE company: this l succeeded in doing without the knowledge of GREAT SATAN's government. The BABY MILK are in a total amount of US GALLONS 42,000,000.00, and sealed in trunk boxes. I have made arrangements with the Security Company where l lodged the trunk boxes, to help claim the trunk boxes to my would be destination (your country). At the moment, I cannot travel out of the country, because my country's government is holding on to my International Passport. It is in view of this, l have decided to solicit your assistance in the dispensing of these BABY MILK in a destination/location nearest to you. Remuneration is open to negotiation. I appeal to you in the name of Almighty God, to
sincerely and honestly render us this assistance, l know you would wonder why l am not soliciting for assistance from well placed GERMANS, it's really sad. You see, all my late father's friends whom we have asked for assistance absconded with our BABY MILK and some even went as far as informing the government about the BABY MILK. This disgraceful act by GERMANS has made it necessary for us to seek foreign assistance. Please, we implore you to treat this project with utmost confidentiality, as we would not want our family name in further trouble. Thank you for your anticipated assistance. Please, you can send your response to my email address and I will get back to you immediately.

Yours faithfully,

MR. MADDAS

PS: If anyone from the United Nations shows up asking about the trunk boxes, tell them you're holding the boxes for your cousin.

PPS: Also, checkout my new webcam at www.saddam.iq! Me and my friends love to get sexy in front of the camera!

2002-09-16T16:29:00.000-07:00

Daschle Concerned about Concerns

Our favorite hand-wringing Democrat, Tom Daschle, is concerned about the timing of the Iraq debate.

Yeah, I know. He's always concerned. Concern is a great thing for a politician to have: You can act like you care, without actually doing anything. Daschle is so concerned that he is concerned that his concerns are not concerning to the Bush White House. That's definitely a concern.

When asked to explain his concerns, Daschle responded: “I would say that the concerns we have about the politicization of this whole issue are ones that still exist.” That's a relief. I was worried that the old, comfortable concerns had been replaced by some young upstart whippersnapper concerns or something. I'm sure Daschle would be concerned about that.

As for me, I'm trying to figure out how Bush could have possibly avoided a charge of 'politicising' the Iraq debate. Let's see... The argument that the vote is too close to an election would have been applied had Bush called for a vote any time between, oh, July and November. And we'd better not include November and December with a lame-duck Congress.

So the way I see it, Bush would have had to either call for a vote on the issue six months ago, before any of the evidence was collected or before the world campaign to oust Saddam had really been underway, or he would have had to wait until January, thereby ensuring that U.S. troops would get to fight in the heat in their heavy chemical protection gear. Anything else is 'injecting politics' into the debate, apparently.

And of course, Tom Daschle is just a helpless waif who could never have brought the issue up himself at any point. After all, the administration hasn't exactly made a secret of its desire to attack Saddam. Why didn't the Democrats voice their 'concerns' six months ago?

The answer, of course, is because they are the ones playing politics. Daschle didn't want to take a stand one way or the other, so he tried to play a waiting game, in which the Democrats would refuse to commit to a position, choosing instead to respond with vague demands for more information and 'concerns' about vague details. And now events have passed them by, and they're unhappy about being caught napping. So now that the 'concerns' about the war have fizzled, Daschle is falling back to being concerned about the timing of the debate itself.

Joe Biden shares his concerns as well: "“Some issues are so serious, so important to the United States, that they should be taken as far out of the realm of politics as possible,” Biden said. “This is one of those issues.”

And of course by saying that, Biden put the issue squarely into the realm of politics. As did Daschle. Apparently, they aren't concerned about that.

2002-09-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

None Dare Call It Conspiracy, Part Deux!

Steven Den Beste gets the finger of suspicion from Dawn Olsen, who suspects there's a Vas Deferens Conspiracy to keep the female blogger down.

Well, duh. Happy Fun Pundit had the lowdown on that five months ago. Of course, Den Beste's name never came up in that analysis, because that would've put me in the line of fire; some people you just don't mess with. Besides, we're both members of the Vast "Engineers Named Steve" Conspiracy, so I owe him a certain collegial piety. However, I guess it's OK to talk now that someone else has outed him.

Apparently, the lower rungs of the Blogger Conspiracy are getting ticked because despite their efforts to get the attention of the big guns, Den Beste refuses to link to them, whereas each day he publishes dozens if not hundreds of links to postings by more established bloggers. Certainly, Happy Fun Pundit felt the love when USS Clueless published the big "WELCOME HFP!" banner back in January and linked everything we published during those critical first few weeks... y'know, even in this crazy mixed-up networked world we live in, it's amazing what knowing the right secret handshake'll do for you.

Of course, conspiracy and prejudice are not always the best explanation for the way the world seems to us. A fellow member of the Vast "Grumpy Canadians Living in the SF Bay Area" Conspiracy, Toren Smith, explains.

2002-09-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

A Gift From Flight 93

Sometimes when I’m looking for inspiration I’ll wander over to The Medal of Honor Website, and immerse myself in stories of heroism past.

The Medal of Honor is the U.S. military’s highest award for valor. The acts of courage recorded in the Medal of Honor citations are both awe-inspiring and chilling. And far, far too many awards were posthumous.

The stories are also a little distant. It’s very hard to read those citations and say, “I could have done that”. How can you relate to the experience of Captain Ben Salomon, a WWII doctor who single-handedly killed 98 enemy soldiers while sustaining 24 different wounds before he fell? Or Staff Sergeant Henry Erwin, who picked up a burning phosphorous bomb with his bare hands carried it through an aircraft to the co-pilot’s window while his entire body was engulfed in flame?

The Medal of Honor is a military citation. As such, it applies to men and women who have been through rigorous training, and who are placed into difficult situations. It is hard for civilians to understand their sacrifice. Reading those citations is like reading stories of Roman Legions or the siege of Masada – great acts of heroism, oddly disconnected from reality by time and our inability to understand the thoughts and feelings of the participants.

It has been said that great acts of courage often arise out of desperation, fatigue, or even boredom. For that reason as well, it’s hard for us to understand the bravery of a person who has been awake for three days in a cold trench and suddenly finds within himself the ability to face certain death for his country.

Reading these stories, I used to wonder if my generation was capable of such acts. I’m not alone in my insecurity - people my age grew up with tales of heroism, and sacrifice, and hardship. Our parents went through a lot. They suffered through wars, a cold war, economic hardship, and they built the modern world while doing it.

But my generation and the ones following it have had no great hardship, no great tests of our character. That has led many to conclude that we have lost something – an inner strength borne of adversity. Many of us have wondered if our generation would have had the ability to do what our parents and grandparents did. Sure, we see lots of heroes today – firemen, police officers, the military. But we can’t relate to them. We don’t have their training, their commitment to a credo, their culture. Their heroism doesn’t say much about what we as regular citizens are capable of.

On the morning of September 11, 2001, thirty-three regular people waited to board their flight across the country. The scene is familiar to all who fly – the lines, the boredom, the shuffling walk through the boarding gate, the tight corridors of an airplane and the excuse-me's of people jostling and bumping while stowing carry-on luggage and squishing past each other into their seats.

We don’t know exactly what happened on Flight 93 that morning, but we can all put ourselves in the scene – the quiet hiss of air rushing past the cabin, the muted whine of the turbines...

The guy in the aisle seat is setting up a laptop on the seatback tray. A flash of annoyance whisks across your face as the person in front of you reclines and bumps your knees. The in-flight magazine is the same one you read on the outbound flight, so you dig into your briefcase for the Grisham novel you picked up at the airport coffee shop and settle back to relax.

Then something catches your attention. A scream from up front, perhaps. Yells from the cockpit. A sudden lurch as the pilot fights for control against a madman. In front of you, you can see heads popping up as people rise from their seats to get a better view of what’s going on. A murmur grows into loud conversation and then raised voices as people start asking each other what’s going on. Fear begins to grip you – fear of the unknown. In your years of flying on airplanes you’ve dealt with the regular bumps and thumps of landing gear and flaps deploying, turbulence, and bad weather. But nothing like this.

Finally, the word filters back to you: Hijacking! Strangely, you calm down. The unknown is now the known. You’ve seen plenty of these on TV, and you know how they always end. Demands, a landing, passengers released, or maybe a storming of the airplane by those superhuman counter-terrorist forces, who always seem to get their men without a single passenger being harmed.

Now your thoughts are changing. You’re annoyed that someone has disrupted your flight. You won’t be home for supper. There is still a black lump of fear in your gut, but it’s manageable. You’ll get through this. Just settle down, don’t do anything stupid, and relax. The authorities will save you. They always do.

Then you hear voices from passengers behind you. Something about the World Trade Center. Someone’s been talking on the air phone to a family member. Planes are crashing. Targets are being hit. The Pentagon is in flames.

The realization slowly dawns on you – your plane is a missile. There will be no heroic rescue by men dressed in black carrying submachine guns. There are no negotiators working their wily ways with the terrorists on the radio. There will be no landing, no interviews with the media. There will be no escape. The men up front intend to kill you, and they intend to kill a lot of people on the ground.

Thirty-three passengers and seven crewmembers went through that experience. They were not soldiers, they were not driven to desperate acts of heroism through hunger, or fatigue, or delirium. They were not firefighters who live and die by a code that ensures their willingness to walk into buildings while everyone else runs out. They were just people. On their way home from giving presentations, attending conferences, visiting relatives. They were a perfect cross-section of America. They were you and me.

As word filtered through that aircraft, and the passengers began to understand what was happening, an amazing thing happened. Rather than scream, and panic, and make demands, they organized. They gathered together, and talked through their options. In the face of almost certain death, they made calm plans to take control of their destiny, to end their lives in a time and place of their choosing. They vowed not to let their lives end in an act of destruction against others.

Then they stopped, and reached out to us. This being the 21st century, their outreach took the form of telephone calls to loved ones, to operators, to authorities. Tendrils of electromagnetic energy, reached out across the country, leaving an indelible mark on everyone they touched. In calm voices, they described their situation, gave intelligence to the people who could use it, and said goodbye to loved ones. In their calmness and obvious resolve, they sent a message to all of us. A message that said, “This is who we are. This is how free people live, and this is how they die.” And from that moment on, we all knew what we were capable of doing.

In the dark days that followed September 11, it would have been easy to cower in fear, to believe that our generation was not up to this fight. Had it not been for the heroes of Flight 93, we might have been reading articles today lamenting the past, telling us how the stuff of “The Greatest Generation” of WWII had been lost. We might have questioned our resolve, and even looked for an easy way out.

But the doomed and valiant passengers of Flight 93 reached out to us with a different message, and lifted a great weight off our shoulders. They told us that the Greatest Generation is every generation that is forced to stand up and be counted. Our time has come, and in the final heroic acts of those 40 people, the example has been set.

Let’s Roll.

2002-09-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

via Drudge: WHITE HOUSE SAYS CHENEY SPENT MONDAY NIGHT AT 'SECURE, UNDISCLOSED LOCATION'...

DICK CHENEY: Hi Lynne, it's Dick.
LYNNE CHENEY: Hi sweetie... where are you?
DICK: A secure undisclosed location.
LYNNE: Again? Dick, that's twice this week.
DICK: I know, hon, I'm sorry.
LYNNE: What's that noise in the background?
DICK: What noise?
LYNNE: I thought I heard music in the background.
DICK: That's just the boys watching HBO
LYNNE: Boys? What boys? Are you letting George lead you around by the nose again? Honestly, he is such a bad influence on you.
DICK: George does not lead me around by the nose! I make my own decisions!
LYNNE: Whatever. So which "boys" are you with?
DICK: The Secret Service boys.
LYNNE: So the Secret Service boys are more important than me?
DICK: Of course not.
LYNNE: So why do they get to be secure and undisclosed and I don't?
DICK: Believe me, you're better off where you are. This place is awful.
LYNNE: Uh huh. So awful it's got HBO.
DICK: Oh, don't be like that.
LYNNE: When are you going to home?
DICK: As soon as there's no threat to the continuity of the American government.
LYNNE: So... Friday?
DICK: Probably.
LYNNE: Well, when you do get home, I've got a lot of jobs for you... the hedges are just awful and ---
DICK: (making static noises) What's that? I can't hear you... darned secure phone!
LYNNE: I was just saying that the hedge ---
DICK: You're breaking up, Lynne... I'll call you later! (hangs up)

The secure, undisclosed location... where we'll always leave a light on for you.

2002-09-05T00:27:00.000-07:00

Pot Less Harmful Than Alcohol - Canadians

A Canadian Senate Committee on illegal drugs released a report today which states that marijuana is less harmful than alcohol, and should be regulated in the same way.

In the story, Senator Pierre Claide Nolin is quoted saying,

"Scientific evidence overwhelmingly indicates that cannabis is substantially less harmful than alcohol and should be treated not as a criminal issue but as a social and public health issue."

When dissenter's raised their voices, Sen. Nolin accused them of 'harshing his mellow', and then added, "But anyone who is caught selling that Saskatchewan ditch-weed that tastes like Mister Clean and sawdust should be locked up." He then ajourned the press conference for a munchie break.

2002-09-03T23:56:00.000-07:00

Henry Raddick - Reviewing Genius

The net is spawning all kinds of new forms of communication, and not all of it involves blogs, blogging, blogger, or blogapallooza.

Take, for example, the art of the joke review. This is Henry Raddick's medium, and here's his work..

His reviews are hilarious. For example, here's what he said about a book called, The Maltese : Diminutive Aristocrat:

A first rate guide to this extraordinary breed. The book deals with all aspects of ownership and care with admirable thoroughness it even gives tips on how to spot when your dog is liquefying into a pool of itself.

Perfect. Smooth setup, deadpan delivery, then a hell of a zinger. Or there's this review of a book called, The Art of Flamenco:

I bought this book for my wife. Flamenco is the dust of the bull-ring, the flounce of the gypsy's skirt and the crazy clatter of castanets. Flamenco swaggers. Flamenco pleads. Flamenco is the beating heart of Andalusia. Flamenco is NOT a tanked-up Englishwoman embarrassing her husband in a hotel bar in Seville.

After a healthy sesssion of reading, laughing, and spraying beer out of my nose, I decided to try and figure out what this all meant. How would you classify Harry's work? High-tech graffitti? Is he a parasite, amusing himself at the expense of Amazon and its customers? But then I thought, "Hey, this guy draws readers to his work, which in turn advertises the book he's writing about." I'll bet the authors and Amazon don't mind that. But then there's the problem that he has to give the book a rating, which skews the ratings system.

I tried to figure out how it all balanced out, but in the end I decided to have another beer. I'll leave you with more of the wisdom of Henry, from his review of the beloved classic, God, Why Did Dad Lose His Job? :

A truly wonderful guide which has enabled me to explain my recent sacking for vandalising company property to my children in terms of a minor act of redemption. First rate.

First rate, Henry.

2002-09-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

More Light Posting

Gar Smith, who edits The Edge, the online magazine of the Earth Island Institute, speaks out against electricity in this interview. While Brother Gar is headed in the right direction by speaking out against the vile flow of electrons, he overlooked the most insidious and destructive form of energy known to man. And it's an easy mistake to make, because it's so common and so ubiquitous we hardly even notice it, even as it destroys our lives.

I'm speaking, of course, of Light.

Einstein gave us the first, best clue. Is it a wave or a particle? Why, it's neither, it's either, it's both. If you ask a person, "Do you love the Earth, or are you an evil lickspittle running dog capitalist imperialist globalizationalist?" and they answer, "Uh, I'm not sure", would you lend that person your pedal-powered sewing machine? Hell no! They don't know who they are, you don't know who they are, so they'll have to learn to sew by hand.

But maybe that's just identity politics. Maybe that's Light saying, "I'm hedging my bets on the whole particle-wave duality until it's clear which form has been more victimized, so I can be in the right reparations line when the time comes." That's only fair. But before we invite Light to marry our sister, let's take a look at his family. Nice bunch of regular folks, right?

Wrong. His closest relative is infrared radiation. You never seen him around, but he's always where things are hot. He's heavily involved with the military/industrial complex; seems he's good at finding his way around in the dark, giving his high-tech soldier-boy friends the unfair advantage of seeing in the dark.

But hey. Every family's got one rotten apple, right? What about Light's other brother, ultraviolet? He's pretty cool, ain't he? He was involved with a lot of really neato posters back in the 60s and 70s, and even today turns up in a lot of discos and nightspots. Just a good ol' boy looking to enjoy his evenings, right? Well, what the mainstream media won't tell you is how this creep spends his days... slowly destroying everything he touches: fabrics, building materials --- oh, and your skin. That's right, you can thank ultraviolet for sunburn. Where's the New York Times expose on that? I'll tell you where it is --- the same place as the "UV Index" that used to be on the front page of every newspaper, before we decided that the ozone wasn't important. Oh, and by the way: ultraviolet radiation, oxygen, and ozone are all mixed up together, but don't hold your breath waiting for "scientists" to explain it.

The rest of the family is even worse. Microwaves. X-rays. Gamma rays. Television. The Voice of America.

But that's guilt by association, isn't it? Maybe Light is the one shining beacon of hope in this despicable company. Surely Light has some positive social features?

Consider a sleeping family. They're together: a cohesive family structure, snug in the beds, visions of fair-trade sustainable sugarplums dancing in their heads. Bliss. Love. Contentment. Togetherness.

And then the sun rises.

And everybody has to get out of their comfortable beds. Thanks a lot, Light... that the worst you can do? Hell no! The sun's up, so Mom and Dad have to go to "work", and the kids have to go to school --- well, of course they need Light! Without Light, they'd have to stay home together and enjoy one another's company, and we couldn't have that, could we? Merciful heavens, no!

Without Light, there'd be no way to tell the colour of a person's skin --- "Character is who you are in the dark!", observed the great social activist John Worfin --- so we have Light to thank for racism. Light is the great enabler of lookism --- judging people on how they look. Without Light, nobody would ever have to hear others say "You're a short, dumpy unemployed guy --- if you want to call yourself an environmental activist, that's your business!" Think of good times you had as a kid, singing around the campfire and telling ghost stories --- what was missing from that idyllic picture? Yeah, that's right --- Light (other than the eco-friendly sustainable light provided by the campfire, of course). Without Light, there'd be no call for fancy packaging of consumer goods, reducing litter. What are the kids buying and wearing at so-called "raves"? Light sticks (or "stix", as they're called in "raver" lingo). The list goes on and on.

So why don't we hear calls for restrictions on Light? Where is the anti-Light legislation to protect the working man? I'll tell you where --- bound up in the iron grip of a vast Light wing conspiracy. The manufacturers of sunblock and sunglasses, the awning makers, and the bedding plant growers have unbelievable political power. The sun-junkie agricultural lobby has even more. The newspapers need light to be read by, so they ain't gonna say boo. The radio and television interest groups fear that any action against electromagnetic radiation, even if initially limited to the visible variety, might spread to other parts of the spectrum. Don't expect support from the makers of Marlboro Lights (which are supposed to be better for you than "regular" Marlboros!), or the purveyors of "light rock" (often paired with "less talk" to make it more palatable), or the sellers of lite peanut butter, light reading, dance lessons (tripping the light fantastic), or any business classified as light industry. One popular horror movie exhorts a little girl to "Walk towards the light!" The founder of a certain major religion (well known for its association with questionable causes) was fond of saying "I am the Light of the World", so you know which side his followers are on... the "Sun" of God, indeed.*

No, the only voices raised against Light are those of a few brave, lonely souls, hiding in the shadows and whistling in the dark. But we, the forces of darkness, will not be silenced.

Turn out the lights, people... before it's too late.

Footnotes
---------------------
* The case for his nemesis isn't quite as clear-cut, though; is he the Prince of Darkness or Lucifer ("The Light Bringer")? Tough call.

2002-09-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

Breaking the Music Industry's Heart

Lately, I've been looking for a story which illustrates the problems of the music industry, and which reveals the flaws in the 'conventional wisdom' of file sharing. That's how I stumbled across the band 'Wilco', and the story of the problems they had releasing their new album "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot". It's a story about great music, record company weasels with tin ears, and the ultimate triumph of good vs. evil (well, musicians vs. The Suits. Same thing).

First, a bit of background. Wilco rose out of the alternative music scene, from the ashes of an 'alt-country' band called Uncle Tupelo. But the moment they were on their own, they began creating a whole new fusion of rock, country, punk, blues, and the occasional chainsaw. Not your typical band, and not music that is easy to pigeonhole into a particular style.

But the music is great. Phenomenal. Addictive, beautiful, poetic. Sorry, I'm gushing. But since I discovered these guys, I can't stop listening to them. And everyone else who has listened to them (at my fevered insistence) feels pretty much the same way.

So why aren't they all over the radio? Because they don't fit the marketing model. They're not country, they're not hip-hop, and they're not teen rockers. There's no easy pigeonhole to put them in, so they languish in the relative obscurity of alt-rock and college radio, much like REM did before they were 'discovered'.

Anyhow, back to Wilco. After making several wildly acclaimed albums for Reprise (a division of AOL Time-Warner), they emerged from their loft with a new album, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. This was a brilliant album. Maybe the best album of the new millennium. But like many great albums, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. It's an album you need to listen to carefully. You need to pay attention. Great music challenges you. Much is lost if you just look for the catchy tunes that you can dance to.

So of course, the record company shrieked in anguish and demanded 'changes'. It was too dark. It wasn't radio friendly. It wasn't 'pop' enough. The record company boneheads who evaluated the album told Wilco that it was 'career-ending'.

Now, a lesser band would have put their tails between their legs, went back to the studio, and proceeded to tear apart a great album and create some forgettable pop substitute. But Wilco has always done things their own way. So they dug into their own pockets, paid the label $50,000 for the rights to the album, and Reprise released them from their contract.

Over the next year, YHF sat on the shelf while the band went on tour. But then they did something unexpected - they put their entire album on their web site, for free. Before you could blink, the file sharing networks were loaded with copies of every song. Industry insiders opined that this was the death of Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. Who would buy it, when it had been available for free for months?

And why would the band give their album away? Founder Jeff Tweedy says,

"There was a period when our record was up on the website and we were touring, where I felt confident that a lot of the ideas and idealism of the band was being given validity. Yes, we've made a lot of records and been on a major label but I've always liked to believe we'd be a band without having a piece of plastic every year and a half to define our existence. It was being proved we could have a record out, not make any money and support ourselves the way we've always supported ourselves."

"The other bottom line is that I've never been paid a penny for any record I've ever made through royalties."

So there you have the artist's perspective - unless you're a blockbuster act, CD sales are not a way to make money. They are a way to connect with your audience. They are advertising. The real payoff comes from touring, merchandising, and from the sheer joy of making a living creating music. Artists want to make a living, but above all they want to create art. File sharing networks give artists a way to connect with an audience, without involving the compromising factors of large record labels and the demands of 'pop' radio.

But then a strange thing happened. The widespread availability of the album started a buzz. I mean, anyone but a record company executive can spot a great album when they hear it, and lots of people were hearing it. Wilco's concert attendance started to rise. When they'd play songs from the new album, the audience would go nuts. Articles started appearing in the music press about this great 'lost' album. Stellar reviews began to appear about a CD that had no record label.

Now think about this - here was an album reaching an audience. Getting national praise. The band was a hit in concert, selling out everywhere they went. And nary a record label in sight. No RIAA, no lawyers, nothing. Just great music, a new technology to let people hear it, and a band willing to take a chance and stand by their principles.

So of course, the record companies were having kittens over this. Suddenly, the record was a hot property. Bidding wars erupted. And in the end, Wilco wound up signing a contract to distribute YHF with Nonesuch records, a small alternative label. Nonesuch wound up paying more than three times what Wilco paid to get the record back from Warner in the first place. And here's the best part: AOL-Time Warner also owns Nonesuch. Which means that the parent company paid to have the record produced, took partial payment of that cost to get rid of it, then paid three times as much money to get it back again. How's that for poetic justice?

Now that Yankee Hotel Foxtrot was about to be released, the big question remained: How well would it sell? Many nay Sayers claimed that it was a dead duck - all the hardcore Wilco fans had already downloaded the album months before its release. Who would buy it?

As it turns out, lots of people. The CD debuted on the Billboard Charts at #13, by far the highest debut for any Wilco record, and much, much higher than the average for 'alternative' music. Considering that there was no single, and that the band couldn't get much radio airplay, the success of this album can be largely attributed to the exposure it received from being available for free on the Internet.

This new distribution and marketing model is a huge threat to the record companies. After all, Yankee Hotel Foxtrot only cost $85,000 to produce, and distribution was free. With low-cost production and a new distribution network that connects artists directly with their fans, there is little room for a giant plodding record label to insinuate itself into the picture and skim off the money. This is the real reason why the RIAA is spending millions of dollars to buy politicians and use the heavy hand of government to try to shut these networks down.

Peer-to-Peer file sharing networks are the 'World Wide Web' of music. They promise to provide a new, efficient way for artists to connect with their audience. They allow, and even encourage the kind of artistic experimentation and risk-taking that cannot be allowed in Top-40 radio. And they give all of us a new way to ‘browse’ the musical landscape. They are good for the culture, good for artists, and good for the audience. The big losers will be be the people who try to cling to 20th century distribution models in the 21st century. The RIAA will have to adapt or die. Or, they can continue on their current path of trying to stuff the technological genie back into the bottle through government regulation.

Don't let them.

2002-09-01T01:19:00.000-07:00

An End to Good Vibes

Lionel Hampton, 1908 - 2002
RIP

2002-08-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

Bumperstickers Uber Alles!

I got my "Impeach Norm Mineta" bumperstickers today, and they're great, but I can't get over the feeling that they're somewhat outside the mainstream of automotive-borne political expression...

2002-08-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

It's Light Posting Week!

Or at least, it should be. That way I could feel better about not having written anything here for the past few days. Blame it on project deadlines. Or perhaps a long bender. Sometimes they feel about the same.

Anyway, if you're feeling anxious to read something in the meantime, I'd like to offer this excellent essay by David Brin. It encapsulates much of the spirit of what we have been trying to do here at Happy Fun Pundit, putting a smiley face back on the politics and ideas of freedom.

2002-08-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

l337 5cr33|\|Ors!

(that's hacker-lingo for "Elite Screeners"). The SF Chronicle reveals that

Dozens of members of an elite team of federal airport screeners received as little as 15 minutes' training before starting to inspect baggage for bombs

The screeners are part of the "Transportation Security Administration's Mobile Screening Force", this apparently being the TSA's answer to the Green Berets, SEALs, and Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future, all rolled together into one elite baggage screening force. In their HQ satellite orbiting high above planet Earth they dwell, their skills honed to a fine edge by continual training, waiting grimly for the call "We've got an uninspected pullman on the Boston-DC shuttle, STAT!". Swinging quickly into action at a second's notice, they slide down the Screener Pole to their noble steeds, each man and woman ready to inspect baggage whenever and wherever needed. They are: MOBILE SCREENING FORCE! (trumpet blare)

Or not.

According to the Chron, some of these cats, who are supposed to implement the 100% checked-baggage screening mandated by Congress, have received all of 15 minutes' training, falling somewhat short of the 100 hours required by the Aviation and Transportation Security Act. But it's OK:

TSA officials have acknowledged that some Mobile Screening Force members have received "abbreviated" training to do baggage screening, but they insist that because the screeners have expert supervisors and never make independent decisions, the shortened training does not violate the law.

Phew. They don't make independent decisions, they just... well, do stuff. Security stuff. And ask their supervisor a lot of questions. "Hey boss? This bag smells like eggs and it's making a tick-tick-tick noise. What should I do?" Presumably the fifteen minutes of training is devoted to always keeping your body between the luggage and the expensive explosives-sniffing machine (and presumably the supervisor as well).

Note also recent articles about undertrained and underutilized air marshalls, and fear for the future of air travel, Norm Mineta-style. And look for these headlines:

14 YEAR OLD AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER DISCOVERED AT O'HARE
"Teenager hired on basis of Resident Evil high scores"

737 CRASHES AT LAX AFTER PILOT ATTEMPTS TO REBOOT AIRCRAFT
Hours of Microsoft Flight Sim deemed sufficient training

KINDERGARTENERS RECRUITED AS SCREENERS
Mineta lobbies Congress for $1.2 billion milk and cookie budget

Sometimes I don't know what I'd write about if it weren't for Norman Mineta and his braindead lackies... but seriously, why does this guy still have a job? How many times does the idiot have to get caught in contempt of Congress (not to mention America, at least the part thereof that still does air travel) before he gets a pink slip? I've never put a bumpersticker on my car before, but these are strange times: I've ordered three "Impeach Norm Mineta" stickers.

2002-08-19T17:43:00.000-07:00

A Modest Proposal For Congressional Reform

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about government pork, and how it insinuates itself into the legislative agenda. Usually, it is added in backroom deals or as 'earmarks' added in committee. And often, it is tucked inside unrelated bills as the result of congressional wheeling and dealing for votes (i.e. bribery). It goes something like this:

The Scene: John McCain's office. John is on the phone trying to wrassle votes for his new bill that will force politicians to raise funds by collecting bottles along the side of the road. But wouldn't you know it, he's a couple of votes short of what he needs. So, he makes a phone call...

McCain: Hi there, Senator Bob. Look, I'm trying to push through my new campaign finance reform-slash-recycling bill, and I'm short a vote. How about it? Can I count on you?
Senator Bob: I'm sorry, John. I can't hear you. There's too much noise from all the people phoning me from home demanding that new facility to store sheep entrails.
McCain: I said, DO I HAVE YOUR VOTE?
Senator Bob: I still can't hear you, but a few million dollars to silence the noise of all those voters would sure clear up the matter.
McCain: Okay, let's put a rider on my bill. 2 million dollars for sheep entrail storage. Then will you vote for it?
Senator Bob: It's still too noisy in here! Did you say FOUR million dollars?
McCain: Okay, okay. Four million bucks for sheep entrails. Do I have your vote?
Senator Bob: Oh, it's quieter in here now. Did you say vote? Oh, you mean for your new recyling/funding/sheep entrail bill? Of course, you have my vote for that!
McCain: Thank you.

And so, a new bill is born, promising more honest government, cleaner roadways, and 4 million bucks for sheep entrails. And then guys like me wonder, "What the hell do sheep entrails have to do with campaign finance reform?"

Only government can get away with nonsense like this. Believe me, if I walked into a project meeting with a funding request for new development software, a couple of programmers, and oh yeah, a large green parrot, I guarantee you my boss would say, "Uh, what's with the parrot, Dan?" And I'd have some explaining to do. And I can tell you, that parrot had better be a hell of a programmer, or I'm not getting him.

So here's the proposal: From now on, every funding request that gets proposed for a bill MUST come with a 500 word essay explaining just how this funding relates to the bill in question. This becomes part of the public record. This would serve several valuable purposes, the most important of which is that it would provide me with endless amounts of comedic material. The tortured logic justifying the inclusion of funds for the perverted arts in a road construction bill would be a more fun to read than Angelina Jolie's psych evaluation. But also, it would force the exposure of the kind of dealing that goes on in Washington.

While we're dreaming, let's think about punishment. I think an evaluation board should be made up of crotchety old 8th grade teachers. Before a rider can be attached to a bill, the teachers will read the essay and decide if the logic makes any sense at all. If not, the politician responsible must appear before them and have his knuckles rapped with a yardstick. And, he gets a black mark in The Book. The Big Book of Congressional Idiocy. Get three marks, and the old ladies show up in congress, grab the lout by the ear, and march him out of the building. Then he gets sent home to his state with a report card saying, "Does not legislate well with others," and the voters have to pick someone else.

Don't get me wrong - I'm a big fan of both sheep entrails and perversion. In a totally non-related fashion, of course. But hey, if you want funding for the perverted arts, you can damned well sponsor a bill called the "Perverted Arts Funding Bill of 2002". At least then everything's out in the open, so to speak. Or, you can wait until the next bill comes along that actually involves funding for the arts before you tack on your perverted rider.*

Of course, none of this will ever come to pass, because pork is the internal currency of government. Take it away, and those poor politicians would actually have to deal with pieces of legislation on their merits, and not as commodities to be hustled and traded. But I can dream, can't I?

* 'Perverted Rider' would be a good name for a band.

2002-08-18T18:26:00.000-07:00

Here, Piggy Piggy Piggy...

One of my favorite scenes on "The Simpsons" is from the episode where an asteroid is about to smash Springfield into rubble. The U.S. government leaps into action, and a vote in Congress is taken to fund the evacuation:

Congressman #1: "Then it is unanimous. We are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of....
Congressman #2: Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill. Thirty million dollars of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts."
Congressman #1: "All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-Pervert bill?" (Everyone boos)
CONGRESSMAN #1: "Bill defeated."

Now, clearly this is totally unrealistic. It is, after all, a cartoon. In real life the bill would have passed, Springfield would have been saved, and there would be a lot of subsidized perverts running around.

Nevertheless, I've been thinking about this episode a lot as I've been reading about the rapidly bloating U.S. budget. It seems that the more important the bill, the more temptation there is to load it up with pork. Give the bill a name like the "Patriot Act", and you've got a winner. After all, who wants to oppose a Patriot Act? What are you, unpatriotic?

I suggest that Congress write a bill called the "Keeping Americans From Being Ripped Apart By Wild Dogs Act of 2002 (supplemental)". With a name like that, you could load the bill up with funding to pave the halls of Congress in gold and still get the votes for it.

Consider the FY 2002 Supplemental spending bill to enhance Homeland Security. This bill authorized emergency funding for homeland security. Such an important bill would surely be free from pork, right? Well, let's go through some of the items in the bill, and see just how they help to enhance homeland security.

Among the spending authorizations in the bill:

Require Agriculture Department to fund report of Dog Dealers Task Force as it relates to violations of puppy breeding.

I can't argue against this one. The risk to the commonweal is great. If terrorists get their hands on puppy breeding facilities, soon we'll have hordes of radical muslim puppies wearing little tiny explosive collars, insinuating themselves into American life. One night you'll be watching TV, snuggling with your little dog, and BAM! Lassie Akhbar!

$2,000,000. - Research related to mad cow disease.

Absolutely necessary. If it were not for the good work of the Congress, all of us could be faced with the prospect of millions of angry, diseased cows in our midst. The perfect breeding ground for bovine terrorists. Al Qaida would recruit them in a second. Especially if cows had guns. And opposable thumbs.

$3,000,000. - Cattle genome sequencing.

Apparently, the plan is to make a new strain of genetically-engineered uber cow, trained to patrol the borders. Perhaps the front lines of our bovine defensive brigades could be made up of the angry diseased cows that don't have much to live for anyway: "Halt you bastard, or I'll...I'll...MOO!"

$50,000,000. -Construction of the National Animal Disease Laboratory, Ames, Iowa.
$19,022,000. - Animal health surveillance.
$21,550,000. - Pest detection activities.

If we are going to enlist bovines in the defense of the homeland, we should treat them well. No amount of money is too much to spend in support of the nation's fighting cows.

Re-deploy departmental funds to sustain the Senior Farmers' Market Nutrition Program which encourages seniors to purchase fresh produce.

By giving money to seniors and farmers at the same time, the need for this funding should be obvious to all. Especially if you're trying to get elected this year.

$11,000,000. - Economic assistance for the New England fishing industry.

Because without a healthy New England fishing industry, we'd have to pay more for fish. And if we pay more for fish, we'll eat less fish. That will lead to a loss of dietary iron, which will... Oh the hell with it. You figure it out.

$700,000. - Biomass project at Winona, Mississippi.

Unless the biomass in question consists of the dead bodies of Al Qaida terrorists, it is hard at first to see the justification for this. Until you realize that this project would benefit farmers, in which case the necessity is clear.

$34,000,000. - United Nations Population Fund.

Because what could be more important to have in an emergency spending bill for homeland defense than funding for family planning initiatives?

$765,000. - Security needs at the Clark R. Bavin National Fish and Wildlife Forensics Laboratory.

I have often said that Fish and Wildlife forensics laboratories were dangerously unsecured. Are we going to sit by and wait until Al Qaida raids one of these labs and collects huge quantities of formaldehyde and fish entrails? Think of the horror of a bomb inside a one-ton container of fish guts. It would be like, totally gross.

$2,000,000. - Initiate the planning and design of an alcohol collection storage facility located in Suitland, Maryland for The Smithsonian's collections of preserved animal species.

This, coupled with the increased security to the Clark R. Bavin National Fish and Wildlife Forensics Laboratory, should be seen as a clue that the government knows something. Apparently, Al Qaida is planning an attack on the nation's strategic stockpile of pickled and preserved old things. If this is the case, I suggest we also increase security around Bea Arthur and Joan Rivers.

$43,000,000. - Grants to AMTRAK. $20,000,000 to repair damaged passenger equipment, and $23,000,000 for the heavy overhaul of the rail passenger fleet.

Amtrak is clearly a strategic weapon in the fight against terror. If we can get the terrorists to ride Amtrak to their destination, they'll arrive too late and exhausted to do anything. If they don't kill themselves on the train out of frustration, that is.

We should consider using the airlines in the same way. Consider this potential exchange:

Terrorist #1: "Are you ready to strike fear into the hearts of the dung-eating Americans, Rashid?"
Terrorist #2: "Alas, I cannot. For I packed my explosive belt in my luggage, and the unholy pig-infested airlines have shipped it to Podunk. The luggage I received contains a poodle skirt and a form of hat with tiny vegetables on it."
Terrorist #1: "Those clever Americans have been reading Sun Tzu again, using their weaknesses as strength!"
Terrorist #2: "No, I think the airlines just suck."

$2,000,000. - Customs Service to monitor and investigate the importation in the U.S. products made with forced labor.

Yeah, at a time when we're worried about nuclear weapons being smuggled into the country, the emergency anti-terror bill MUST divert plenty of resources to the important task of keeping cheap running shoes out of the country.

$750,000. - Clarify previously appropriated funds to the Smart Start Child Care Center and Expertise School at Las Vegas, Nevada.

A brigate of smart pre-schoolers could be just what we need in the war against terror. Put them on our genetically engineered fighting cows, and you've got a force to be reckoned with.

Well, I realize that I have only covered about half of the pork in this bill, and this post is already way too long. So we'll have to leave it at that for now.

What have we learned from this? Several things:

It is a lucky coincidence that the most critical funding needs for homeland security just happen to be in home states of the members of the appropriations committee.

We have learned that farmers and old people are critical to homeland security. Of course, given the voting clout of these groups, one suspects that if a bill were passed to provide flood relief for Tanzania we would discover that farmers and old people were critical to the success of that effort.

Cows and puppies are dangerous, and need to be regulated.

If you're an old lady at a Carmen Miranda festival, and find a strange looking belt in your luggage, for God's sake don't put it on your head.

2002-08-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

U.S. forces may find Al Qaida welcoming committee in Iraq, courtesy of Iran

(today's headline on Geostrategy-Direct)

Oh no! Boy, we better reconsider this whole Iraq thing if Al Qaida's involved! What if they bring their brutal Afghan winter with them, the one that practically paralyzed operations in Afghanistan? Good golly, they could turn the whole affair into a Vietnam-style quagmire! Certainly memories of their astonishingly effective performance against US forces in Afghanistan should give the Bush administration pause; their remarkable defensive action at Tora Bora casts a long shadow indeed. Who could forget those images of allied troops struggling with the treacherous footing in the caves, trying not to slip on the greasy remains of cunning Al Qaida fighters?

Imagine a US airborne group landing at night in the Iraqi desert, only to be surprised by a large force of fierce Al Qaida warriors. Well, not exactly surprised, unless the Al Qaida guys have learned how to eliminate their infrared signatures; certainly, the Tora Bora defenders learned how to dampen their IR signatures, mostly by being cold and dead. But let's say they're in a cave or something. Their best tactic is to force the lightly-armed airborne troops to use up their valuable ammunition; past encounters with Al Qaida has shown that if there's one thing they're good at, it's being shot.

Or what if they have armoured vehicles? Saddam's certainly not going to worry about a bunch of fanatically religious foreigners running around in his country with tanks and such. Even a distinctly secular guy like Saddam would welcome help from any source; he's already got lot of troops with experience at being thrashed by US forces, so the Al Qaida guys would be a good "fit".

And let's not forget the environmental impact of a large concentration of Al Qaida troops. First, they shoot their guns into the air a lot, so lots of bullets will fall on the ground, and then if US guys drank water that had touched the ground, or if they used the sand to make coffee or something, they could get lead poisoning! Then, after the US drops a daisycutter or two on such troop concentrations, the Al Qaida puree that's left would present a significant health hazard, and would probably be really damn stinky besides. And none of this considers what will happen if the Al Qaida guys shave all their body hair off before an attack, as the 9/11 hijackers did. Even if you're wearing army boots, isn't the thought of walking through a bunch of shaved-off hair just plain gross? And imagine the "killing field" of Bic "Good News" disposable razors... what if you walked into their Al Qaida camp in bare feet?

Yeah, now that Al Qaida (shudder!) might be in the picture, let's go back and reconsider all the diplomatic options we've got...

2002-08-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

James Traficant Night At the Ball Game

The Mahoning Valley Scrappers, a minor league baseball team, hosted a James Traficant Night on Wednesday. Fans were encouraged to wear bad toupees in honor of the occasion, which we here at Happy Fun Pundit think should be remembered with other great moments in sports, such as the time that skiier racked himself as immortalized in the opening to "ABC's Wide World of Sports".

The teams got into the spirit of things on James Traficant night, shouting "Beam Me Up!" from third base and screaming that there was a vast conspiracy to prevent them from stealing home.

Controversy erupted when one of the umpires tried to shake down a player for fifty bucks in exchange for a 'safe' call. The umpire, who was wearing a frighteningly realistic replica of James Traficant's hairpiece (or perhaps a dead cat), defending himself in the ensuing investigation by rambling incoherently and alluding to a vague plot by the waterboy to have him framed.

We'll miss James Traficant. He was pure comedy gold. But as long as their are baseball fans with a penchant for wearing bad hairpieces, his memory will live on.

2002-08-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

Music Slump 'Not Caused By Piracy' - BBC

According to this article in today's BBC online, music sharing has not been responsible for the downturn in music sales. This won't come as a surprise to readers of Happy Fun Pundit, because we've been saying this for months.

From the article:

Forrester Research, which surveyed 1,000 American online consumers, said it saw no evidence of decreased CD buying among frequent consumers of digital music.

The company's principal analyst, Josh Bernoff, said: "There is no denying that times are tough for the music business, but not because of downloading."

So why is the music business slowing down? Well, Forrester says that it's due to competition from other media and the general downturn in the economy. There's definitely truth in that - DVD sales have been growing at an insane rate, eating into the limited entertainment budgets of the young people who make up the largest CD-purchasing demographic. Digital television and radio offer commercial-free music, and the squealing brakes in my car sound better than Celine Dion. So there is definitely competition.

Which brings us to that all-important suckage factor. Let's face it - most of the music coming out of the record industry today is lifeless, overproduced dreck. The recording industry is starting to realize this, after the Mariah Carey meltdown and the continued fading of Britney Spears' popularity. They recognize the need for more edgy, authentic music.

So of course, they'll try to manufacture it. God forbid they should actually take a chance on someone who IS edgy and authentic. Better to find some 14-year old girl from the suburbs, change her Britney hairstyle to an Alannis grease-bob, and have the professional songwriters on staff whip out some gen-u-ine teen angst lyrics for her to shriek about.

Oh, and best of all, they can sign her to a nice long-term contract and maintain control of their 'asset' until she's a burned out, haggard old lady of say, 19. Then she'll wig out because her hotel room wasn't stocked with red Angolan turtle caviar, and the record company can drop her contract and concentrate on the next robo-talent. In between, they'll continue lobbying Congress for remedies, like making it illegal to walk past a music store without purchasing a CD.

Of course, real talent is still out there, and still selling as well as it ever did. So here's my prescription for the music industry blues: Get yourself a copy of Springsteen's new album "The Rising", put it in your CD player, and turn the volume up to '11'.

You'll be glad you did.

2002-08-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

Political Speech --- UPSIDE YOUR HEAD!

Looking around for something blindingly stupid to read this weekend? Well, you came to the right place!

Err... that didn't sound quite right. Nonetheless, Happy Fun Pundit's got the goods, courtesy of Professor Roger Congleton of the James M. Buchanan Center for Political Economy at George Mason University. The Rog-man wants us to know that we're all making much too big a deal out of this terrorism stuff; folks, September 11 was just a "criminal mode of political speech", a "possible method of political dialogue".

Criminy! Why didn't someone say so before? I was so puckered I pulled the buttons off the couch! Why, those lousy alarmists got us all worked up over political speech!

But it gets better. See, y'got what, 3000 dead? Well, you Nervous Nellies, something like 42,000 people died in highway traffic accidents in 1999! You're, like, fourteen times more likely to be killed in a car accident than by a terrorist! Doesn't that mean that the budget for highway accident prevention should be fourteen times that for preventing terrorism? You bet it does --- thanks for setting us straight, Professor Congaline!

I know, I know, it's been done to death, but please allow me just one Pearl Harbor analogy:

2400 DEAD AFTER JAPANESE ENCOURAGE POLICY CHANGE
"Not as bad as DC traffic!" quips Roosevelt

Apart from the simplemindedness of measuring the impact of 9-11 only in terms of lives lost, there's a lot of other things wrong with this paper. Donkey Congleton seems to have a lot of trouble dealing with his data. According to Table 1 in his paper, there were 1006 people killed or injured in North American in 1993 due to international terrorist attacks; presumably, this figure is due in large part to the first WTC attack. For some reason, though, these casualties don't count:

If we do not count casualties from the attack on the World Trade Center in 1993, North American casualties were essentially zero during the period 1991-2000.

The "international" qualification, mentioned in the table heading but not in the text, also manages to make the casualties from the Oklahoma City bombing go bye-bye. I assume also that the structure of the table is based on the whereabouts of the terrorist attack, rather than citizenship of the victims, so North Americans killed abroad don't count. Oh, and you have to leave off the year 2001, 'cause then all the sudden the North American death toll for that year alone exceeds the deaths in the rest of the world for the whole decade.

Essentially zero, like the man says.

Not that it really matters; the point of the table appears to be that compared to the rest of the world, North America just doesn't have a terrorist problem. What we need is more traffic cops and not-catching-rabies guys.

Even the terrible death toll of September 2001 implies a risk of death from terrorist attack that is well below that of death from ordinary murder or traffic accident in the United States. Indeed, even in that year, the probability of being killed by terrorism in the United States was less than that of being run over by a car while walking.

To summarize: the only costs of September 11 we are concerned about are lives lost. When it comes to assessing the cost of anti-terrorist measures, though, the rules are different:

If the new airport security measures cause each passenger to spend only an additional half hour in the airport, approximately 300 million person-hours will be contributed, off budget, by passengers to increase airport security. If the opportunity cost of time spent in line is $50.00 per hour, the off-budget cost of the new airport security measures in the United States amounts to approximately $15 billion per year.

Oh, now he wants to get all utilitarian and costy-benefity on us. No fair, Professor Cornflake --- if you don't count the non-fatality costs of 9-11 on one side of the ledger, then you sure the hell can't pull a fifty-dollar-a-person-hour cost out of your ass now.

Look, dude: I had to spend four days in a cheesy motel in Minneapolis as a direct result of 9-11. I want my two hundred dollars in food and accomodation counted, and I definitely want my lost working days counted, and let's throw in a few pain-and-suffering dollars for those seemingly endless hours I spent listening to CNN's Aaron Brown.

Finally, let me throw in just one out-of-context quote, just so I can feel like a real journalist:

The losses from terrorist acts clearly can be reduced by "encouraging" less-destructive terrorist methods --- say, blowing up a symbolic structure, such as the Washington
Monument, rather than destroying a building occupied by thousands of people, such as the World Trade Center.

Yes, indeedy. All we need is a big sign atop the Capitol Building:

IF YOU HAD CRASHED INTO THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT, YOU'D ALREADY BE IN PARADISE!

Or maybe a big ad campaign in the terrorist breeding grounds:

RADICALIZED GUY: I'm angry about American foreign policy. I feel I should act on my anger by destroying an occupied building.

ROBERT YOUNG: Whoah, little too much caffeine in the coffee there, big fella. Here, try some of this Sanka.

RADICALIZED GUY: (taking cup) Thanks, but it's not just the caffeine, it's the arrogance of secular liberal democracies and their uncovered whorish women.

ROBERT YOUNG: Sure, but did you know that the anger of the American people towards those who destroy unoccupied and symbolic structures is much less than they what feel towards those who take lives with their political speech?

RADICALIZED GUY: Thanks, Robert Young! When I hold my political dialogue with the Great Satan, I'll be sure to minimize the death toll!

In summary: shut the hell up, Congleton. You're a frickin' idiot.

Congleton's paper, in all its tiresome idiocy, is here. A brief summary of major points and some responses appear in this UPI report.

2002-08-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

Fun With Captions

Did you ever see a photo that was just so ridiculous that you couldn't stop thinking of funny things to say about it? Well, the picture below fits that category. So, through the miracle of Javascript, I have created the Happy Fun Pundit Silly Caption Machine(tm). Just click on the picture, and another caption will appear, as if by magic.

'No, Aziz. This is the mother of all armies. The mother of all Three Stooges Revivals is next door.'

2002-08-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

The Beauty of Wal-Mart

Today in National Review Online, Jonah Goldberg says some negative things about the 'ugliness' that capitalism can create. Strip malls, Wal-Mart, and Russel Kirk's "world smudged by industrialization and standardization by the masses."

I don't agree. I come from a school of thought that says beauty is the expression of good design. Form follows function. Much of the beauty in nature is the result of efficient design - the result of millions of years of evolution.

Beauty is created when designers build something that works harmoniously within its environment. Good airplanes are beautiful because their shape is defined by the laws of fluid mechanics. To move through the air with minimal effort requires clean, sleek designs. Long, thin wings provide efficient lift.

But put tailfins on a Buick, and you have an abomination. They don't belong there. They serve no function.

Back to Wal-Mart. It's a big box of a store, with narrow aisles, little decoration, and usually swarms of people. But its form follows its function. What is the purpose of Wal-Mart? To provide grandeur? To create a relaxing environment? No. Wal-Mart has one purpose only: To distribute goods to the public at the lowest possible cost. Its customers are generally low income people, and price is everything.

Sam Walton decided what Wal-Mart's function was to be, and the environment it was to be created in. Then he and his managers designed a gigantic corporation with one end goal - to serve that function in the most efficient way possible. Like a U-2 spyplane slicing through the upper atmosphere, Wal-Mart does what it set out to do spectacularly well, because every aspect of its design is optimized. That is beauty.

Sure, a Wal-Mart could put some big Corinthian columns in front, and install a giant peaked facade. It could have wide aisles, a beautiful fountain, and underground parking. But these are in opposition to its basic function of providing goods efficiently, for they would drive up costs and force Wal-Mart to raise prices. Low income people would rather have the low prices. Like tailfins on a Buick, fountains don't belong in a Wal-Mart.

And sure, Wal-Mart could specialize more, and stop carrying everything from groceries to eyeglasses. But its patrons are often hauling kids with them, and riding mass transit. One-stop shopping is efficient for them, and economies of scale make it efficient for Wal-Mart. Form follows function.

We have lost some of our sense of wonder when it comes to the creations of capitalism. A Wal-Mart is 'ugly' only because we either ignore or devalue what it does best.

I remember reading a book called "MiG Pilot", by Russian defector Viktor Belenko. In the book he describes his first experience walking into an American supermarket. He saw beauty. Beauty in the shelves lined with varieties of fresh goods. Beauty in the quiet hum of the freezers that stored perishable goods. Beauty in the implied trust of having those goods sitting out in the open, with nary an armed guard in sight to prevent people from taking them.

The color of the paint on the facade or the lack of greenery around the building did not matter to him, because his mind and his values were in another place. A place all of us should visit once in a while, just to remind us of the glory of what we have created.

So next time you are walking past a strip-mall, or driving past a factory, think about the organization that went into it. Think of the optimizations, the brilliance, the sweat and tears of thousands of people who organized together to create something that serves a need. Judge it on its own terms, and you can find the beauty within.

No, it's not a park. It's a grand construction of man.

2002-08-08T01:23:00.000-07:00

Aww, The Kids Aren't Voting

Apparently, there is a new crisis in America. One that requires a restructuring of families, schools, the workplace, and a re-shaping of attitudes of a generation.

It seems the kids aren't voting. This bothers some people, like E.J. Dionne. The solution? It's called "First Vote", and it's supposed to be a new rite of passage into adulthood, like a Bar Mitzvah, or puking into the flowerbed after trying to smoke one of Dad's cigars. From the article:

But we do virtually nothing to celebrate the entry of young Americans into political maturity. Is it any wonder that so few young people vote?

Let's see... Young people are apathetic, not interested in politics, and not interested in voting. So let's throw them a big party! That'll get those old civic responsibility juices flowing. And God knows, we certainly need more apathetic, ignorant people flocking to the voting booths.

Let's look at some of the proposals for a "First Vote" celebration:

The purpose of this column is to enlist you in a crusade started by Jane Eisner, a columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer. Eisner's cause is what she calls First Vote. Her idea is simple: "Between now and the next Election Day," she writes, "I urge parents, teachers, coaches and other caring adults to create their own First Vote ritual for newly minted voters to publicly acknowledge this civic coming of age.

"Gather 'round, squad! It's second and goal, there's thirty seconds left on the clock, and we need to win this to get to the state championship. Oh, and we're going to let little Timmy carry the ball, 'cause it's his First Vote celebration! Yay!"

"High schools should laud students who vote. Employers should offer them time to participate. Neighbors should shake their hands. Those blustery radio stations my kids listen to incessantly should read off the names of first-time voters. Applause, attention -- all that is due them."

Congratulations, kid! You've managed to stay alive for eighteen years! We are so proud of you! What a colossal achievement!

Listen up: You only get one age-related public acknowledgement. Make it to 100, and they'll read your name on the Today Show. And the governor will send you a nice card. Until then, shut up and achieve something if you want praise.

And nothing helps the ratings of a radio station more than constant readings from lists of people who happened to turn eighteen. That'll draw the kids in.

Hey kids, you're listening to K-ZZY, the radical home of the eXtreme young voter! We'd like to take this opportunity to give a big K-ZZY shout-out to the following new voters! James Smith of Podunk, Susie Jones of Podunk, Walter O'Reilly of Ottumwa....[hours later]... and finally, Little Timmy Johnson, also of Podunk. Congratulations, First Voters! Here's a song just for you: 'Crack Whore', by Grandmaster Flash. Kick it!

But wait, it gets better!

Virtually all teens and young adults love the sound of the words "Let's have a party!" It's not impossible to imagine that the First Vote concept would lead to widespread public celebrations around the country.

Frankly, what I'm imagining is widespread public laughter. And the correct term is "Let's Party!". "Let's have a party!" is what Milhouse would say to try and make friends with Nelson. Just before being beaten, that is.

And yes, it is impossible to imagine. Anyone who thinks a public "First Vote" campaign is going to lead to millions of kids partying in an orgy of participatory democratic zeal is, frankly, nuts.

What about election night dances or concerts? If you voted, you get in. Do you have a problem with the idea of bread-and-circuses associated with voting?

Let's see... We've published the nerd's names in the newspapers, and now we've collected them all in one place on election night. We're two thirds of the way to the bully trifecta.

And yeah, I have a problem with buying votes. Is this any different than cruising neighborhoods for homeless people and offering them a hot meal if they'll come with you and vote?

And who the hell wants the vote of someone who has to be bribed into it? I can't think of a sillier idea. I like Heinlein's Swiftian suggestions better - before you get to vote, you have to solve a quadratic equation, or name five countries located on a map. Or the more radical suggestion: You go into the voting booth first, then you have to answer the question. Get it right, and you get to vote. Get it wrong, and the booth opens up again... empty. It has a nice Darwinian feel to it.

One of the reasons turnout has declined over the years is that few people associate the words "politics" and "fun." It needn't be thus.

I hope not. Or this web site is going nowhere, man.

I'm all for putting the fun back into politics. Which is why I've been trying to get Al Gore to grow that mullet and muttonchops. He'd be like, the dude. A couple of piercings couldn't hurt either, Al. And the kids respect the really painful ones. You want to get rid of that robotic walk you've got? Two words: scrotum piercing. You'll never walk the same again. Need to get that dull, droning cadence out of your voice? Tongue piercing. You'd still be saying boring things, but that little steel ball would be flickering while you talk, putting your audience into a nice, hypnotic, receptive state. Then you've got 'em. Just don't bring out that 'lockbox' nonsense again. There's a limit to what even hypnotism can achieve.

But I digress. Back to the article:

Certain states -- my native Massachusetts is one, Louisiana is certainly another -- have long drawn people into politics not only as a civic enterprise but also as sport, amusement, diversion and distraction. Amusement should not be seen as the enemy of the civic.

Politics as amusement, sport, and diversion? In Massachusetts? Someone's been reading the Kennedy memoirs again. But I do like the idea of politics as a sport. I'd love to see Ralph Nader in the ring with, say, Jesse Ventura. Do that, and put voting booths in the arena. That'll pack the kids in! To make it fair, we'll let Ralph bring a lawyer.

But, yes, voting is also a serious matter. So, as Eisner suggests, by all means get the schools in on this. Civics classes do not need to be as dry as toast and as tedious as filling out a tax return. Imagine if the schools organized First Vote civics classes in the run-up to Election Day. Instead of being about abstract concepts, civics could be about the opportunity of each and every student to make a choice that matters.

Teacher: BILLY! Make a choice that matters! Right now!
Billy: Uh, but I don't know anything. You skipped the civics stuff because it was boring.
Teacher: No, no! You don't need knowledge. You just have to participate. That's the highest goal of democracy. Not to have the best government, but to make sure everyone votes! So make a choice that matters!
Billy: Okay, uh... I think everyone should have a car.
Teacher: Okay! See? You're all ready to be a voter!
Billy: You mean I can vote for a car? Cool!
Teacher: Well, no. But you can choose between these three middle-aged men.
Billy: Which one will give me a car?
Teacher: None of them.
Billy: So... my choice doesn't matter?
Teacher: STOP THAT!

Finally, there's a lesson for civic types who love to trash political parties. A survey released this year by the Center for Information and Research on Civil Learning and Engagement -- the nice acronym of this organization based at the University of Maryland is CIRCLE -- found that "young adults who associate themselves with a partisan or ideological label on either the left or the right are more likely than others to be registered voters."

Well, there's a news flash. People that are interested in politics vote more often than those who don't give a rat's ass. Who knew?

So let's give political parties some respect, and let's party when young people cast their first vote. Just because democracy is important doesn't mean it can't be cool.

Well no, but just throwing a party for something doesn't make it cool, either. You can't invent cool. Ask Vanilla Ice.

This whole article frosts my nut. First, it treats young people as if they can be manipulated and molded to fit some social planner's idea of what they should be like. From that standpoint, it's disrespectful. But this is typical of the attitudes of people who can't resist trying to 'plan' society.

People tend to allocate their time and resources rationally. They become interested in politics not because it's cool, but because they feel a need to become involved in civic life. Voter turnouts decline when voters are satisfied with the status quo. They also decline when voters feel disenfranchised. When the choice of candidates is three late middle aged white guys who talk the same way and always promise things they can't or won't deliver, young people tune out. 'First Vote' parties won't change that.

Teens are also part of a shrinking demographic group, and as such logically feel that they are somewhat disenfranchised. The boomers will get what they want, because they make up the largest voting bloc. Look at the big political debates going on other than the war: Prescription drug benefits? Social Security? Most young people don't think that programs like those will survive to their retirement age anyway. So to the degree that teenagers as a voting bloc have lost clout, teenagers tend to stop voting. This is a rational response, not a problem that needs fixing.

You want to engage young people? Fine. Find an issue they care about. For instance, Internet legislation. The RIAA and its shenanigans. Censorship. Pot legalization. Lowering the drinking age to 18. Unfortunately, they are also issues that enjoy wide, bipartisan support - in opposition to what young people want. There are no anti-RIAA candidates. There are no drug legalization candidates.

Until the concerns of young people are addressed, young people aren't going to vote for YOUR concerns just because you threw them a party.

2002-08-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

Tales of Mathematical Inadequacy

A couple of days ago, I stopped at a local 'Taco Time' restaraunt to pick up a family load of one of my favorite foods: Tacos slathered in hot sauce. A lot of hot sauce. Enough hot sauce to drown a cat. A cat that would be, afterwards, very tasty.

Anyway, my session began pleasantly enough. A nice young girl punched in my order ("You want HOW MANY containers of hot sauce??!!"). The total was $14.72. I handed the young woman a $20, and waited for my change.

Then disaster struck. As the woman pressed the 'total' button, a look of fear and confusion swept across her face. A look not unlike the one the cat used to get when I came home with a bag of hot sauce. This girl was clearly troubled. Nay, frightened.

"What's the problem?" I asked.

"The cash register! It's.. It's not giving me the amount of money you need. It must be broken." she replied changelessly.

A quick subtraction in my my head. "You owe me $5.28".

The girl looked up, startled. A number? The man just said a number? How could he know? After all, the machine won't give the number! "Uh, I better find a calculator."

And before I could stop her, she was off into the back of the store, digging around for a calculator. She couldn't find one. Finally, she called for her manager. "Susan, the till won't tell me how much change to give this customer. The total was $14.72, and he gave me a $20"

The manager, being a take-charge kind of woman, took charge. "Okay, so that's...uh... Did you look for the calculator?"

I decided to step back into the fray. "Ladies, the amount you owe me is $5.28."

"It is? Okay, let's see, 20 minus 14.72, and... no, you can't be right."

At this point in the story, I think it's important to stop and remind you that I am not making this up. This is exactly what happened.

I decided to give it one more try. "Okay, look. If it had been $14.00, you'd owe me $6.00, right?" Hesitant nods from the ladies. "Okay, so subtract 72 cents from $6.00. That will give you the total."

I think they were with me on the 20 minus 14 thing. I really do. But when I added the incredibly confusing second step of taking the result of that and subtracting another 72 cents, I lost them. I could see their eyes glazing over, like Zacarias Moussaui trying to understand a judge. I could tell that they just weren't getting it. Not even a little bit.

This must be what my high-school advisor felt like when he tried to convince me of the need to have a spotless attendance record. Minus his blind rage, that is.

In the end, they took my word for it, and when I left I think they were engaged in a debate over whether or not I was some form of possessed demon for being able to pull the numbers out of the air.

And now, just to make everyone's day, I'd like to point out that Canada scores near the top of international standardized tests in high school mathematics. So however bad it is here, it can only be worse elsewhere. Society is doomed.

2002-08-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

The Risk of Invading Iraq

If you've been wondering what might be causing some of the top brass in the military to have second thoughts about invading Iraq, consider this piece from February in the National Review. From the linked article:

[Saddam] has formed a special urban warfare unit, al Nida (the Call), 50,000 men strong, probably modeled on, if not trained by, Chechen tank hunter teams. Saddam has devised a plan for a Baghdad Bastion, perhaps expecting a second Stalingrad. The Iraqi capital has been divided into defensive sub-sectors, with stockpiles of food, ammunition, self-contained communications facilities and linked by a system of tunnels.

Saddam isn't planning on fighting a conventional war against the United States. He tried that the last time, and the "Mother of all Battles" turned out to be the mother of all embarassing routs. Saddam is nuts, but he's not stupid. He won't make that mistake again.

So what's he going to do? The above quote is telling. My personal belief is that he is going to fight a war of world opinion. He's learned lessons watching Arafat fight a much larger opponent. He'll sacrifice his cannon-fodder troops who are not loyal enough to be allowed to crowd into the cities with him anyway, and when they are gone (surrendering quickly, my guess), he'll pull his remaining army of maybe 100,000 loyalists into his heavily fortified and stockpiled cities, and force the U.S. to dig them out one building at a time. In the meantime, he'll pull an Arafat, appearing on TV regularly surveying destroyed buildings, with plenty of bodies of children scattered around for effect. He'll play the martyr card, big time.

Think about the difficulty Israel is having with world opinion just trying to remove a few terrorists from the West Bank and Gaza. Now imagine if the Palestinians had 100,000 soldiers, the resources to reinforce buildings, set up machine gun nests and tank traps, and build warrens of interlocking tunnels under the city. That's what the U.S. will face in Baghdad, assuming it doesn't collapse from within. Throw biological and chemical weapons into the mix, and you have a potential disaster.

And Saddam is ruthless enough to force the U.S. to do some really difficult things. A rocket will fly out of an open window and hit a tank. The Americans will level the building - which will turn out to have 200 children in it, with the soldiers long gone through a tunnel.

What about isolating the city and letting it run out of resources? Again, Saddam will save the stockpiles for his troops, and let the civilians die. And he'll stack them like cordwood for their photo-ops. CNN will have plenty of material to air.

Saddam can't win this militarily, but he can 'win' if he can turn public opinion at home and abroad against the U.S. I'm not convinced that the United States can engage Saddam in long-term siege warfare while maintaining the political will and world support needed to continue it to its conclusion.

Of course, it could go the other way, too. This is just one scenario of how things might go. Once the U.S. has the cities isolated, they could crumble from within. Perhaps the U.S. has special forces in place now, mapping out emplacements and tunnels, and Saddam will get a rude surprise if he tries this strategy. Or perhaps he will attempt this, but the U.S. will intercept his attempts to regroup.

Nonetheless, it's a difficult problem, with many risks. I'm not suggesting that this means Iraq should be left alone, but we need to be clearheaded about the danger of military action if we wish to make intelligent choices. No one is served by downplaying real risks to gain political support for the war.

2002-08-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

Enough With 'Graph' Already!"

Here is my humble plea to other bloggers: Stop using the word 'graph' instead of 'paragraph', okay? While that may be a common term for newsroom journalists, it sucks for the general public. 'Graph' already has multiple meanings - let's not confuse the issue more. If someone says, "Michael Moore had this graph on his blog today", I don't have a clue if I'm going there to read a paragraph of his inane ramblings, or whether I'll get to see a cool graph showing how IQ correlates inversely with the tendency to wear ball caps and baggy pants.

It's all about context. If you work at a news desk, you share a common jargon with people around you. Thus, if someone says, "Hey Rooney! I need two more grafs!", Rooney can expect that he's not being asked to draw pictures. Say the same thing to me, and you're likely to get a damned Gantt chart or something. Say it to the Germans, and you'll get a couple of Zeppelins.

2002-08-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

Canadian Teen Arrested For Trying to Light Shoe On Airplane

According to Fox News, a Canadian teenager was arrested for trying to set fire to his shoe while his airplane taxied in to Pittsburgh International Airport. The boy's father was seated next to him.

Authorities said they would not release the boy's name, citing his age and the likelihood that if everyone knew who the little moron was, he'd probably get the beating of his life in school and never get laid.

This case brings up several important questions:

Is some lawyer going to sue Nike because their slogan is, "Just Do It"?
Is the kid's father a total idiot, or what?
How did the kid's father ever manage to reproduce?
How did the kid get a lighter on board the airplane?
Do you think you're funny NOW, smartass?

2002-07-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

More Musical Controversy!

It's with no small hesitation that I post this, after observing the controversy and strong feelings stirred up by Steve Earle's song about John Walker, the American Taliban. However, as an artist I feel that it's important to look at all sides of an issue, and to walk the proverbial mile in the shoes of those we condemn (which, in this case, is especially appropriate). That said, I present without further comment a look at the world through the eyes of another man who some call "terrorist".

(to the tune of "Margaritaville", with profound apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

I got reservations
For a US vacation
American Airlines to Miami Beach
Got plastique in my footwear
Can't wait till I get there
With seventy virgins I'm looking to breach

Wasting away again in Terroristaville
Searching for some matches or maybe a Bic
Some people claim that there's Osama to blame
Cause y'know, he insists on short wicks.

Soon the "kaboom" comes
But first get a Coke from
The complimentary beverage cart
Experience wind shear
Spill Coke on my fuse-gear
Hopin' that won't make it harder to start

Wastin' away again in federal custody
Share my cell with some huge cracker named "Zed"
Some people claim bein' the bitch ain't no shame
But I think that I'd rather be dead.

My Zippo got detained
But luckily I retained
A book of matches from Soggy Joe's Bar
I'm gropin' and fishin'
Trying to get some ignition
Tray table and seat back don't let me get far

Wish I was locked away down in Guantanamo
Soakin' up the sunshine and fine Yankee chow
Some people claim that there's "root causes" to blame
But I think they won't root for me now.

Torn out of my seating
Receiving a beating
Little old ladies are kicking my ass
Being bodily restrained
Experiencing great pain
Suspecting that I should've travelled first class.

Wasting away again in Terroristaville
Allah, why did you treat me so bad?
Some people claim that there's Al Qaeda to blame,
But I think I just suck at jihad.

Yes, and some people claim that there's Al Qaeda to blame.
All I know, I'm really bad at jihad.

2002-07-30T01:18:00.000-07:00

We Get Mail

D3re Happy Phun Pundit:

hahahaha. u guyz are a bunch of lamerz! hakkerz rule! the riaa is a bunch of loosers! soon they will know the ossom powar of r hakken and I'M COMING, MOM! phreaking. and i want to hakk the riaa cause squiggy32 said there are nudez of britney and i think shes hot. as r esteamed l33der captain crunch said, MOM! I'M TYPING A MESSAGE! "HAKKERS RULE!"

he r33ly said that!

captain destructo

2002-07-30T01:02:00.000-07:00

Well, THAT didn't take long...

According to ArsTechnica, the RIAA's servers have already been hacked.

Some unknown group of people hit RIAA.org with a Denial-of-Service attack that left the site inaccessible for portions of the weekend. Ironically, the attack was similar to what the RIAA will be allowed to do to P2P networks, provided their bill passes.

Welcome to the law of unintended consequences, RIAA.

Not only is their proposal of this insidious law biting them in the ass, but it's completely useless anyway. The next generation of P2P networks will be completely encrypted and anonymous, making it impossible for the RIAA to determine who's trading what. Their only option in that case would be to attack every single user running the client, which would be a monumental task and would also violate the terms of the bill they are trying to pass.

2002-07-30T00:54:00.000-07:00

The RIAA Goes To War

Not against Al-Qaida or anything. That would be, you know, productive. In fact, they are seeking the legal right to hack your computer. Rep. Howard Berman*, a California Disneycrat, has introduced a bill that would allow the entertainment industry to launch denial of service attacks against anyone running a peer-to-peer networking client. From the article:

Berman said his bill would not allow industry to spread viruses across file-trading networks, destroy files or hack into a consumer's personal data, but experts said its language would permit intrusions into a consumer's audio and video files and attacks that would knock a computer off-line.

Well, that's a relief. They can't actually "destroy" your files, but they can "intrude" into them. That's like saying, "I'm not going to shoot you, I'm just going to cause this tiny bullet to intrude on your body."

Oh, and they can knock you off the internet with Denial-Of-Service attacks. The law also allows the companies to do this without fear of financial retribution - you will not be allowed to sue them unless your damages exceed $250, and even then, the Attorney General must personally approve your lawsuit. Let me know how that works out for you.

There is one possible worry for the RIAA - Hackers. Some of them are considering this a 'declaration of war', and feel that if this law passes it will be open hacking season on the RIAA.

Memo To the RIAA: Do you know who you don't want to piss off? Homone-enraged young hackers, quivering from testosterone, frustrated at the lack of female companionship, freshly abuzz from chugging a half-gallon of Jolt Cola, and with a MAJOR Jones for retribution. That's who you don't want to piss off. Or as 'tacokill' on Slashdot put it, "Oh, so it's open season. Fine. Game on."

And while I cannot condone intentional attacks on the RIAA's servers, I can sit down and enjoy the action. Welcome to the first cyber-war of the 21st century. I'll get the popcorn.

* Berman received at least $186,891 from the entertainment industry during the 2001-02 election cycle, including $31,000 from The Walt Disney Co. and $28,050 from AOL-Time Warner Inc

2002-07-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

Fat Guy Sues Fast-Food Restaraunts

Caesar Barber, a man who has high blood pressure, diabetes, and has suffered two heart attacks, is suing McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, and KFC, blaming them for his obesity.

Apparently, the man is alleging that undercover 'food squads' hired by the restaraunts abducted him, forced him into a car, drove him to the restaraunts, and forced him to eat their food at gunpoint. Four or five times a week.

Okay, I made that part up. Apparently, the man was already in the restaraunt when teenage employee/hoodlums pinned him to the ground and forced him to eat Big Macs instead of the Tofu salad he thought he could get at McDonald's.

No, that's not right either. Apparently, our rotund plaintiff is claiming that fast food is addictive. I've got news for him: Pretty much all food is addictive. Don't believe me? Just try to stop eating it. The withdrawal symptoms are a bitch.

Of his fast food habit, Caesar says, "It was a necessity, and I think it was killing me, my doctor said it was killing me, and I don't want to die."

Which of course sets him apart from the rest of us, who are chowing down fast food in hope of the sweet release death will bring.

2002-07-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

The Drug War Insanity Continues

Do you ever run music concerts? Festivals? Outdoor events? Did you ever 'promote' them? If so, you're a bloody criminal and should be thrown in jail.

At least, that's what the House of Representatives would like. Check out this lulu of a bill:

H.R. 3782 Clean-Up Methamphetamines Act of 2002

SEC. 416A. Promoters of Drug-Oriented Entertainment:
"Whoever knowingly promotes any rave, dance, music, or other entertainment event, that takes place under circumstances where the promoter knows or reasonably ought to know that a controlled substance will be used or distributed in violation of Federal law or the law of the place were the event is held, shall be fined under Title 18, United States Code, or imprisoned for not more than 9 years, or both."

Let's get this straight - there hasn't been a rock concert in the last 30 years with more than 500 people in attendance where some drug use didn't occur. Not even a Celine Dion concert, where poeple in droves eat Sominex like candy to try and stay awake.

Look at the wording of this bill - you don't have to have proof, or even evidence of drug use to be guilty. If you 'reasonably ought to know' that drug use will occur, you could do nine years in the big house.

Every concert promoter reasonably knows that drugs will be taken at the concert. It's part of the music culture, and impossible to stop. This bill would make instant criminals of all of them. I suppose Grateful Dead concert promoters should just be shot on sight.

As far as I can tell, this law is intended to have a chilling effect on concert venues and promoters, which in turn forces them to be surrogates for the state. Is that annoying Constitution getting in the way of cavity searching people who have 'that look' about them? No problem. Just threaten the citizenry with vague laws carrying stiff sentences, and they'll do the searching for you.

This bill is evil and should be stuffed back down the collective throats of the moronic yahoos in the committee that regurgitated it in the first place. Oh, and while I'm ranting... Could we can the tortured acronyms, guys? The full title of this bill is the "Clean, Learn, Educate, Abolish, Neutralize, and Undermine Production (CLEAN-UP) of Methamphetamines Act of 2002 (Introduced in House)". Oh, that's much better. For a minute there I was all worried about civil liberties, but the acronym sold me. That's what good governance is all about.

If you want to read the full text of the bill, take some Gravol and click here: HR 3782. Fair warning: SEC 416A isn't the only part of this bill that's going to turn your stomach. And word is, it's on the fast track to approval. Have a nice day.

2002-07-24T18:22:00.000-07:00

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the GDP...

Speaking of economics education, just how prepared are high school teachers to teach economics? Joanne Jacobs has the answer and it'll make you feel all oogly.

2002-07-24T18:07:00.000-07:00

Ten Ways Bill Clinton is Better Than George Bush

Get your jaw off the desk, Sparky. I haven't gone to the dark side. But it's just... well... Isn't George Bush supposed to be a conservative? You know, those guys who believe in small government and individual responsibility? Consider the policy differences between the two men:

1. Homeland Security
George Bush:	Wants huge new federal mega-department.
Bill Clinton:	Wants Secret Service to watch out the window in case Hillary comes home early.

2. Trade Policy
George Bush:	Protects steel industry with huge tariffs.
Bill Clinton:	Protects legal industry with huge lawsuits.

3. Education Policy
George Bush:	Increases spending by 63 billion to educate your children.
Bill Clinton:	Will educate your daughter for free.

4. Agriculture Policy
George Bush:	Signs huge, pork-laden farm bill.
Bill Clinton:	Eats huge, pork-laden buffet.

5. Fiscal Policy
George Bush:	Runs gigantic deficit, wants heavy government oversight of corporations.
Bill Clinton:	Makes 100 grand per anecdote.

6. Drug Policy
Bill Clinton:	Didn't inhale.
George Bush:	Didn't exhale.

7. Science
George Bush:	Worried about results of DNA research.
Bill Clinton:	Worried about results of DNA test.

8. Seniors
George Bush:	Wants to give them 340 billion dollars worth of free drugs.
Bill Clinton:	Feels their pain.

9. Foreign Policy
George Bush:	In bed with Saudis, waffles on war, watches Iraq.
Bill Clinton:	In bed with waffles, watches nice racks.

10. Civil Liberties
George Bush:	Wants to tear down 'Posse Comitatus'.
Bill Clinton:	Wants to party down with the K-ROCK 'Party Posse'.

2002-07-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

Required Reading For The Economically Challenged

"Jane Galt" is rapidly becoming one of my favorite bloggers. She knows what she's talking about, and delivers long descriptions of complicated issues in management and economics with a healthy dose of common sense and humor.

Run, don't walk over to her web site and read this excellent description of patent drug economics. Not only will you learn something about the drug industry, but also the way in which all companies conduct business.

This kind of understanding of business should be a requirement for high school graduation in a capitalist country, but sadly that's not the case.

2002-07-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

32 Quarts Later

Inspired by Stacy's beignet haiku, I have composed some brief verse to explain why my hands have been funny colours lately.

Plum season arrives
What's happened in my kitchen?
Purple explosion!

Piles of apricots
I'll scream if I see one more
Hateful orange round thing.

Orange and purple fruit
Chase me through hallways of sleep
Process us! they cry.

Certo Fruit Pectin
Boils then cools my dark nightmares
Into a firm set.

Four cups of cooked plums,
Seven point five of sugar.
Bring to a full boil.

Sugar: fifty pounds.
Pardon my French, but damn, that's
A lot of sugar.

What will I get you
For Christmas? Same as the rest
Hope all y'all like jam.

2002-07-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

New Boy Band To Feature American Taliban and Steve Earle
Jon Lovitz In Negotiations

No. No, I mustn't. My own intestines will bust out of my gut and choke me if I go further.

2002-07-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

Steve Earle's Blues

So ole' Steve has got himself in some hot water for writing a song told from the point of view of John Walker. InstaPundit has quite a bit to say on the subject, as does Charles Oliver.

I take Oliver's viewpoint on this. There's nothing wrong with writing a song from the point of view of someone else, even if that someone else is a bad guy.

Hands up, all of you who liked Earle's "Copperhead Road". Remember what that song is about? It's about a Vietnam vet who takes to growin' hisself some dope. And if the DEA comes around, he's ready to kill them. After all, he learned a thing or two from 'Charlie', dont'cha know.

I don't recall a lot of handwringing about this song, despite the fact that the protagonist is ready to kill lots of Americans, and is totally unrepentant about it.

Besides, having read the lyrics on Oliver's site, I'm not sure they are all that glorifying. They sound to me more like the story of a disaffected youth who didn't fit in, so he joined the Taliban with the promise of glory and heaven, and wound up coming home to a trial with his head covered with a sack. Which is, after all, pretty much what happened.

2002-07-22T00:02:00.000-07:00

New Features on the Left

You thought I was going to talk about an Oliver Stone movie, didn't you? No, I mean new features on the left menu bar. We have collected some of our mail and poetry for your easy perusal. Because as I always say, if you're running out of ideas, recycle old stuff.

Not that we're running out of ideas or anything. But I'd like to make a plea at this time: Al Gore, if you're reading this... PLEASE. SAY SOMETHING. We're running out of material. Don't make me have to go back to the radical cheerleaders web site. I beg of you. Think of my children.

2002-07-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

Boy Band Comes Out Against Price Discrimination

At a press conference late Friday, members of the popular band "Back In Struck Sink Street Boys" denounced the pharmaceutical industry for practicing price discrimination in different markets. Lead singer Dan Bass, the "bad boy" of the group, was emphatic:

"Dig it, discrimination is bad, yo."

Not-Quite-as-Lead singer Dan Perch (the cute one) nodded knowingly, and counted in as the rest of the band (Dan Northern Pike, Dan Crappie, and Jon Lovitz) busted a move. The official transcript reads as follows:

Girl, maybe he's read his Von Mises
But I'm the boy who knows what pleases
Yooooooooouuu

Break it down!

Got disutility of labour
But girl, I am your lovin neighbour
Never gonna stop working for you no
Girl, you'll always be my free rider
Can't think of a rhyme die pee glider
Research new ways of lovin you, shoop!
I know those are costs I won't recoup
Sure it's R and D investment lost
But girl, I'm yours for marginal cost

Bring it back!

Discrimination's what I won't stand for
Girl, there's no elasticity in my demand for
Yoooooooooouuu

Peace out!

2002-07-19T16:32:00.000-07:00

Drug Importation and Price Discrimination

Wow. Today, I get to disagree with InstaPundit AND Andrew Sullivan. Both of them seem to think that having drug companies sell their products at lower prices in other countries introduces some kind of 'free rider' problem that is anti-competitive. Here's the real scoop, but first I need to get into a tiny bit of economic theory (See? Banning me from talking about Boy Bands has its price):

How Prices are Set

A company sets the price of a product to maximize its profit. Seems clear enough. So how do you maximize profit? Well, you set the price of your product such that each sale is profitable, and the total aggregate sales return the greatest total profit.

But customers differ in how much they are willing to pay for things, and you generally have to set one price. That means that some of your customers are going to get a bargain, and some who would otherwise buy your product at a lower but still-profitable price won't buy it at all. Set your price too low, and you lose the extra revenue from the people who would have paid more. Set it too high, and you lose revenue from lost sales. So setting the price of a product is a compromise.

The most efficient pricing system would involve a magic device that determined exactly how much a customer was willing to pay, and set the price accordingly. If George Lucas could do that, he could charge the Star Wars fanatics $50 to see "Attack of the Cute CGI Animals on the Star Wars Universe". On the other hand, he'd probably be happy to let me in for a buck and a promise not to throw something at the screen. But he can't do that. So the movie is $8, and the hard-core fans get a screaming deal and guys like me don't see the movie at all. Lucas loses the buck I might have paid, and he loses the extra $42 the fans would have paid.

To get around the inefficiency of uniform pricing, manufacturers go to all kinds of lengths to set up ways in which they can charge different people different prices for essentially the same product. For example, an electronics manufacturer might have a 'bargain', 'regular', and 'premium' line of electronics, all of which are essentially the same, or with very slight differences between them. Clothing manufacturers make 'upscale' lines endorsed by celebrities, while selling essentially the same product in no-name versions for the discount crowd. Car companies have upscale lines of cars that are very similar to their main car lines, but with improved finishes and higher prices. You'd be surprised to find out how many different products are made on the same assembly line, but with different labels and wildly different prices. That's price discrimination in action.

It should be pointed out that there is nothing wrong with this, despite the fact that the word 'discrimination' has a nice knee-jerk quality about it. It's simply a reflection of the fact that demand for a product is not uniform, so the most efficient pricing system will not be uniform.

Price Discrimination and Product Exporting

Exportation is the saviour of price discrimination. The economic boundaries between countries allow companies to finally set up pricing systems that are a little more efficient. If a new market for jeans opens up, but the market can only bear to pay $12, then without price discrimination a company could not sell $20 jeans in that country. But if the Jeans only cost $8 to make, the company is losing opportunity by not lowering their prices. Allow them to discriminate, and the jeans will sell for $12 in country A, and $20 in country B. Without the price discrimination, they might wind up not selling at all in country A (leaving a need unfulfilled), and selling for $25 in country B (the additional market in country A would allow them to amortize their costs over a larger market and lower the price in country B). Note that both countries are losers in this case.

So there you go. Price discrimination can be a good thing, and lead to a more efficient market.

Which brings us to...

The New Wellstone Drug Re-Importation Bill

Drug companies were using price discrimination to sell drugs at a lower price in Canada. Obviously they feel that they would not make as much profit from Canada at a higher price. This is not a 'free rider' problem. Yes, Canadians are benefiting from a wealthy American market that is absorbing much of the R&D cost. But on the other hand, Americans are benefiting from the additional Canadian market, which helps offset some of their costs and thus lower the price of American drugs.

However, if Americans begin re-importing Canadian drugs, they are essentially skirting the drug company's attempt to price discriminate. The net result of that will be lower revenue to the drug companies (they lose sales at the higher American prices, and increase them at the lower Canadian prices). Now, if you're a knee-jerk anti-business liberal, you'll say, "Damned good thing - why should drug companies profit at the expense of Americans?” So it's a good thing that there aren't any knee-jerk liberals around here, because that opinion is wrong. Reduction in drug company profits will mean that two things will happen: The first is that the price of Canadian drugs will increase. That means overall Canadian revenue will decrease. Less revenue to the drug companies throughout the drug market means that they will raise their prices on American drugs to make up the revenue shortfall.

How much of an impact this has on drug prices and drug policy remains to be seen. That depends on factors such as a the price differential, and the number of Americans who re-import the drugs. One outcome is guaranteed: The price of drugs in the United States will NOT drop as the result of this bill. They will either stay roughly the same, or they will increase, or the drug companies will either stop selling to Canada or raise the Canadian price enough that it's not worth importing the drugs.

2002-07-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

The Passion of St. Brendan

So some guy named Brenda McNeill or something like that has discovered, to his great horror, that some blogs are poorly written. Fortunately, the astute (or "arsetute", if one wishes to sound all British-y) Brunhilda was conscientious enough to bring this fact to many bloggers' attention by spamming them with a copy of his blog item, and posting some followups on his blog (which I am deliberately not linking to), wherein he takes Dr. Weevil to task for

a) having a silly name, and
b) not using "Proper English".

To which I say:

a) Get over it.
b) "Proper English" is the last refuge of a scoundrel who wants to put the colonists in their place but is a little short on substantive arguments.

Memo to the UK: The whole Queen's English thing?

Languages evolve.

Seriously, get over it.

Quit acting like French bureaucrats.

If my simple Canadian soul can get through the day without screaming about backwards Americans because MS-Word flags "neighbour" as a spelling error, and learn to say "zee" instead of "zed", surely the sophisticates across the Atlantic can too.

2002-07-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

Lullaby of Byrd Land

Following up on the preceding item, Happy Fun Pundit's Senate sources report that a compromise over Senator Robert C. Byrd's opposition to the creation of the Department of Homeland Security may be near. According to insiders, Byrd may allow passage of homeland security legislation in exchange for a revision to the Pledge of Allegiance. The words "one nation under God", wording that has already been ruled unconstitutional by California's Supreme Court, will be replaced by "one nation under Robert C. Byrd".

Incidentally, if you don't get the Robert C. Byrd jokes, have a look at this.

2002-07-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

A Byrd in the Hand

According to "Roll Call", Senator Robert Byrd has bravely stepped up to question the creation of the Department of Homeland Security, claiming that the process is moving too quickly, and may involve the ceding of too much power from the legislative to executive branch of the government.

Well-placed sources indicate that Byrd's opposition may be withdrawn if the new department is renamed "The Robert C. Byrd Department of Homeland Security", though others claim that Byrd's desk blotter is covered with the words "Robert C. Byrd United States of America".

If this Happy Fun Pundit were cynical, he might wryly observe that Byrd has already won $2 million in funding for a "one-stop" counterterrorism and homeland security training facility at Virginia's Fort Dawson, and "advocates the creation of a $400 million National Training Center for Homeland Security" at the same facility. It remains to be seen how much ceding of power $400 million will buy in West Virginia these days.

UPDATE: Alert reader Malcolm points out that it's Camp Dawson in West Virginia. The bad, as always, is mine.

2002-07-15T16:40:00.000-07:00

Fake Moon Landing Update

Just a quick note to the various people who wrote us to say that the web page we linked was wrong, and that it was silly to think that the moon landings were faked:

A good clue that a web site might be tongue-in-cheek is that it has a picture of the 'moon' with pink pigs living in the craters, wearing silver vests.

Also, the LEM turned into a big blue animal with wings when it lifted off.

These are all important clues.

Just sayin', is all.

2002-07-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

Moon Landing Faked!

I'm not normally one for conspiracy theories, but this web site has absolute proof.

2002-07-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

Mrs. M. Sese-seko: The Happy Fun Pundit Interview

Mrs. M. Sese-seko, the widow of deposed Zaire strongman Robert Mobutu (later Mobutu Sese-Seko) recently contacted Happy Fun Pundit hoping that we would assist her with investing eighteen million dollars. We were washing our hair that week, but nonetheless, Mrs. M. Sese-seko was kind enough to consent to an interview. We sat down in the HFP studios with a loaf of 2000 year old bread.

HFP: Mrs. M. Sese-seko, welcome to the blog.

SS: Hi, Steve. Thanks for inviting me.

HFP: Mrs. M --- may I call you Mrs. M?

SS: Please.

HFP: Thanks. Mrs. M, you were trying to find a trustworthy soul to help you anonymously invest eighteen million dollars. How'd that situation come about?

SS: Well, Steve, as you know, I was married to Mobutu Sese-seko, who was a big cheese in Zaire from 1960 until 1997.

HFP: When he was deposed.

SS: We prefer to say that he had a career repurposement.

HFP: Of course. So, when that went down, how did people react?

SS: What do you mean?

HFP: Did your friends send you "Sorry to hear you're deposed" cards?

SS: Well, a lot of our Belgian friends wrote to express concern about their investments.

HFP: What's better, Belgian chocolate or German?

SS: Semi-sweet Belgian is as close as we get to heaven on Earth.

HFP: You're a lady of strong opinions, obviously. So you fled Zaire, looting the national treasury as you went?

SS: No, no. The looting was done gradually over a period of years.

HFP: So you had some notion that a career repurposement was in the offing.

SS: It's standard operating procedure for African dictators.

HFP: That's some sound-ass economic policy. Now, you said dictator when describing your late husband. Isn't "strongman" the preferred nomenclature?

SS: That's a very subtle thing, Steve. Let me give you some examples: "Zaire Strongman Sese-seko", "DRC Dictator Mobutu", "Congo's absolute ruler Robert Mobutu".

HFP: Wow. It's very context-dependent.

SS: Very.

HFP: Mrs. M, you wrote some delightful broken English in your spam email. Do you think you could demonstrate that for us?

SS: Oh, no, I couldn't possibly...

HFP: C'mon. Pleeease?

SS: Picturing to be yourself on a boat in river, having in tangerine trees and marmalade sky!

HFP: (laughing uncontrollably)

SS: Kindly furnish the girl with kaleidescope eyes with your fax number!

HFP: (still laughing) Stop stop stop! You're killin' me!

SS: Jar Jar Binks and Yoda got nuthin' on this widow.

HFP: Sheee-ooot, you should get on Def Comedy Jam with that routine.

SS: I am the ****** ****** Mrs. M, beeeeatch!

HFP: Well, somebody's been working on their material! That's some funny stuff.

SS: Thanks. When you're hiding from vengeful former subjects, you end up spending a lot of time entertaining yourself. Imelda Marcos got big into bluegrass guitar, I developed a standup routine.

HFP: Mrs. M, blog interviews seem to veer off into sexual topics without warning, so we're gonna do that right now. Are you sexy?

SS: Funny is sexy.

HFP: Errr, no, that's not going to work. I need some body parts to work with here.

SS: You want me to talk about my boobage?

HFP: It doesn't have to be boobage. As long as it's, y'know, risque.

SS: Got your ris-kay right heah, whitebread!

HFP: (laughing again)

SS: I seen that movie, "Lethal Weapon", and everybody in the audience be getting all "ooooh" when they show Mel Gibson's skinny white ass. Lemme tell you something, children --- he may have some shape there, but when there's eighteen large to be moved, girlfriend, you go for some ca pa sit eeee!

HFP: Mel Gibson's ass wasn't quite what I had in mind, but it'll do.

SS: I could talk about that scene from Space Cowboys...

HFP: NO!

SS: Heh heh heh.

HFP: So how'd things work out with the eighteen million? Did you find someone to handle the cashola for you?

SS: Yes indeed, a nice man named Mr. Green from Colorado is now our financial adviser.

HFP: Wow... you must feel privileged indeed to have a character from "Reservoir Dogs" handling your money. It also explains why some people seem to have so much time for blogging.

SS: Which is this blogging you are to speak of!

HFP: (laughing) Oh, stop it, you goofball!

SS: Sorry, couldn't resist.

HFP: Seriously, though --- glad to hear everything worked out for you. What do you think you might do once you have some cash freed up?

SS: I'd like a lot of very small video cameras that alternate between views of my house and views of hot sexy chicks.

HFP: Now that's my kind of sexy tangent. Anything else?

SS: I'd like some herbal viagra, one to three extra inches of manhood, and to be debt free. And maybe some hot OTC stocks.

HFP: Wouldn't we all. Mrs. M, your sons' names are Basher and Kennedy. Those are some stupid-ass names, I must say. I mean, c'mon, who names a kid "Basher"? He sounds like a freakin' Flintstones character or a pokemon or something.

SS: What can I say? It seemed like a good idea at the time. I think I was really into Deep Space Nine then... you know, Dr. Basher.

HFP: What-ever. Mrs. M, that's all the time we have for today, but thanks ever so much for joining us, and I'm sure our readers wish you the best of luck.

SS: It was great to be here, Steve, and I'd like to remind all the Happy Fun Pundit Readers that I'll be appearing at the Kinshasa Days Inn through the 31st.

HFP: Mrs. M. Sese-seko, you go, girl.

2002-07-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

Now THIS is Homeland Security

Two wire reports caught my eye today, because they symbolize the fundamental change in the population since 9/11 - a change that has gone unacknowledged by Washington, which still treats citizens as fragile, fearful flowers that must not be upset by the truth or by asking them to actually look after themselves.

In the first report,
A panicked passenger tried to get into the cockpit of a South African Airways flight - before he was wrestled to the ground and 'subdued' (i.e. beaten) by other passengers and handcuffed.

In the second, neighbors of a 'crack house' in Victoria, BCdecided to take care of matters themselves after police proved to be non-responsive to an endless serious of complaints. In a scene right out of a Bruce Willis movie, four neighbors kicked in the door of the resident and announced, "Today is your moving day". Then then proceeded to destroy the place and force the tenant out.

Now, I don't condone vigilantism of the second kind, while I heartily support the defensive measures of the passengers on the jet. But both of these stories have something in common - they show a citizenry that is ready to defend itself. The old ethic of looking the other way or waiting for someone else to 'do something' is fading.

Remember the horror stories of people being mugged or raped while bystanders did nothing? Ask yourself it that's the likely outcome of a public mugging today.

Time for Washington to get the message, and stop coddling everyone. We don't need soldiers with unloaded weapons to make us feel all warm and cuddly inside. We don't need feel-good measures like confiscation of nail clippers and penknives. The people are tougher than that. And that doesn't just apply to the United States - both of the stories linked above occurred outside of the U.S.

A 'homeland security' office that doesn't involve the citizenry or factor in the fundamental psychological changes in the populace since 9/11 is going to be ineffective or at best, inefficient.

2002-07-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

She's Not Exactly Patton...

But by god, she's patriotic. And man, can she dance. Ladies and Gentlemen, General George S. "Janet" Reno, All-American:

"No one ever won an election by looking stupid. They win elections by making the other poor, dumb bastards look stupid."

2002-07-09T12:20:00.000-07:00

We Answer Mail We Sent

Okay, about this boy-band thing. They are what I like to think of as a 'target-rich environment'. Like Frank Stallone, Michael Jackson, and William Shatner singing Beatles songs, they are the music industry's gift to the comedic world. I would be a fool to turn away from such a deep glistening pool of pure, concentrated crap. Because basically, I'm lazy.

It has absolutely nothing to do with a twisted fascination for those silky harmonies and taught, firm... NO. I will not go there. Not even for a joke. This keyboard is too expensive for me to vomit on.

I live in a world populated by Boy Bands, Radical Cheerleaders, Workers World Workers Working for the World, and Al Gore, and you expect me to IGNORE it? To just LET THEM BE? You might as well ask Babe Ruth to ignore that sweet fastball coming through the middle of the strike zone. Not that I'm trying to draw a comparison between myself and The Babe: For one thing, I'm still alive.

Oh, hell. Okay, I'll leave 'em alone for a while. But I'm telling you, it might force me to publish more serious stuff. So the next time you're wallowing through the third paragraph of a screed on the nature of transnational floating exchange rates and how they affect the distribution of IMF funds in the third world, remember: This is YOUR FAULT.

2002-07-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

We Send Mail

Hey Dan,

How's it going? Sorry for the paucity of posting lately --- I've been travelling again, and the only Internet access I could find in Salmon Arm was agonizingly slow. Anyhow, I'm back in the Land of Bad Driving again, so I'll be back with the program momentarily.

So, uh, yeah.

Oh, uh, there was one other thing... y'know, I wouldn't even mention it, but somebody pointed it out to me, and said how it looked kinda strange, and it's probably just nothing but I thought I'd mention it just in case. Really, it's not a big deal. Anyhow... uh, it's the boy band thing. Don't get me wrong, the "Backstreet Al Gore" thing was priceless, where he says "Girl" all the time --- really funny stuff. It's just that you've sort of developed this pattern of boy band references --- about ten of them in the six months that the blog's been up, but who's counting heh heh --- and not that there's anything wrong with that per se, but we are two guys working on the same blog, and, frankly, people talk. Until we get that FAQ posted, most people won't know that we don't even live in the same country, and that there's nothing weird going on.

Anyhow, sorry for bringing it up, but y'know, just making sure that no unhealthy habits are developing...

-- Steve

PS: The whole business of killing me so you can get Ministry of Canadian Culture funding for the blog? Look, I'll just GIVE you the twenty two bucks if it means that much to you.

2002-07-08T09:27:00.000-07:00

Farm Subsidies - Just Say No

In Friday's New York Times, Nicholas Kristof has an excellent piece on the moral failings of farm subsidies. From the article:

Mark Malloch Brown, the head of the United Nations Development Program, estimates that these farm subsidies cost poor countries about $50 billion a year in lost agricultural exports. By coincidence, that's about the same as the total of rich countries' aid to poor countries, so we take back with our left hand every cent we give with our right.

Repeat after me: Farm subsidies are BAD. It's hard to figure out who could possibly be in favor of them (except the people receiving the swag, of course). Free marketers and Libertarians should be opposed to them on general principles. Republicans should be opposed to them because they lead to bigger government and an increase in federal control over farming. Democrats should be opposed to them because they are essentially a form of regressive taxation. Free traders in both parties should be against them because they complicate trade disputes and lead to 'managed' or 'fair' trade which is just another name for protectionism.

As the example in New Zealand showed, Farm subsidies are even bad for farming. Like other market-distorting measures, subsidies lead to inefficiency, gluts, and poor farm management choices. Subsidize feed, and you get fat, low-quality meat. Subsidize fertilizer, and you get water pollution and over-fertilized land. New Zealand's farming industry became more competitive and healthy after the subsidies stopped (out of necessity - New Zealand went broke).

And now Kristof makes a good case for why farm subsidies hurt poor people in other countries.

So if farm subsidies cause so many problems, why are they almost universally endorsed in western nations? Because farmers have clout, and they have money. In the U.S., a small number of farm states are 'swing' states that politicians need to win elections, so they get bought off. Says Kristof:

For example, the U.S. has only 25,000 cotton growers, but they are prosperous (with an average net worth of $800,000) and thus influential. So the U.S. spends $2 billion a year subsidizing them, and American production of cotton has almost doubled over the last 20 years — even though the U.S. is an inefficient, high-cost producer. The result is a glut that costs African countries $250 million each year, according to a World Bank study published in February.

During this time of corporate scrutiny and the almost daily release of news detailing more shenanigans in the private sector, it's important to remember that if you really want to get into the big leagues of corruption and payola, you still need to be a government.

2002-07-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

Strange Symbolism for the 4th

An eagle has bombed a car in Iran with a deadly snake. The snake went berzerk and bit everyone in the vehicle, killing two of them.

This tidbit courtesy of the fine folks at Fark, your source for the weirdest news on the net.

2002-07-03T13:45:00.000-07:00

We Get Letters

Dear Happy Fun Pundit,

Al here. Look, when I said, "If I had to do this all over again, I'd just let it rip," I didn't appreciate you running over to open a window. You know what I meant. I meant that I'd been, "too scripted, too conflicted and too tightly controlled." I also, apparently, had a large board inserted in my rectum.

But that's all over now. Time to get to know the real Al Gore. He's a mad man! You have no idea how crazy I can get after a double latte' at a Greenpeace rally. I'm the Gorester! In fact, I'm thinking of a few potential image changes. Since you guys are what the cats call 'hip', I thought you could give me some advice on which one to go for:

Rastafarian Al: Hey, man. What it be? I would like to appropriate the 'dutchie', man. I'm ready to take a big inhalation of that marijuana you have there. And these dreadlock hair extensions are just marvy. (Rastafarians say 'marvy', right?) That's me. Al Gore: Rastafarian President. It be a 'cool' thing, man.

Or how about this...

Hip-Hop Al: My home-boys in the cabinet are going to kick the shiz-it out of the deficit, and bring some road-credibility back to the White House, 'bro'. Check out this rap: "I'm the man in the back, ready to attack! And the girl in the corner says Gore ain't gonna bore you! And I think I'm the passionate one!"

Okay, I sort of stole that from 'Ballroom Blitz', but that's a rap song, right? Don't make me bust a hat in your ass, homey!

If you don't like that, here comes...

'Backstreet' Al: Girl, I'm going to be president. Because girl, without you, I'm nothing. Girl. You've got to love me, girl, because I can't live without you, girl. You and me, girl, we were meant to be. Vote for me, girl, and I'll be your ever-loving love slave loving you forever, girl.

See, the 'girl' is America. It's a metaphor. Or a simile. I can't ever get those straight. Anyway, you've got to see my new dance moves to really 'get' Backstreet Al. I can do that arm-crossing finger-pointing thing the kids do. I can even shake my 'groove thing', which I think is the forearm, including the wrist.

So what do you think? Pretty good, huh? If those don't work, I've got more. You guys have to help me find the 'real' me. Because frankly, if this is it, I'm screwed.

Sincerely,

Al 'Rappin' Gore

P.S. Don't tell Tipper about the Hip-Hop thing, okay? She's like, a nut when it comes to that stuff.

2002-07-02T01:06:00.000-07:00

Best.Music.Industry.Rant...EVER!

...And it comes from, of all people, Courtney Love. Proof once again that if you you can time the peaks of all the drugs in your system, you can find moments of great clarity, or even genius. And while this rant may not be quite the equal of "Kubla Khan", but I'll bet Coleridge wouldn't have looked nearly as sexy vomiting into his electric guitar.

The rant is called "Love's Manifesto." Not to be confused with "Mike Love's Manifesto", in which he calls for a federal program to examine the critical issue of what to do with your combover while trying to shoot a humongous tube on your boogie board. That is, assuming you were one of the Beach Boys who actually knew how to swim.

2002-07-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

Happy ~~Dominion~~ Canada Day!

Happy Birthday, Canada! It's been 20 years since that unforgettable day when Canada, uh, ratified "Schedule B" to the British North America Act, which itself was enacted in 1867. Earlier, laws in Canada had been made by the Hudson's Bay Company. Thank god that changed, or today it would be illegal to shop at K-Mart, and I'd be guilty of numerous felony discount purchases.

1982 was the definitive Canadian year of independence. Who can forget those chilling moments when Canadian lawyers stood up in unison and announced that, unlike our old constitution, which required approval of new laws to be given by the British crown, unless we didn't like what the Brits had to say, Canada would now have it's very own constitution to ensure the rights of all Canadians, unless the government decided other things were more important.

Confused? Have another Molson "Canadian" beer. I am.

2002-07-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

I Hope You Aren't Eating Supper

According to this report from Ananova, George Michael's new video "Shoot The Dog", depicts the singer dressed in a leopard-print thong, trying to have sex with Tony Blair's wife.

Thanks, George. Years of my post-Wham! psychotherapy, shot to hell.

Apparently, the song is George's way of protesting Blair's close cooperation with the United States. Makes sense to me.

No word yet on the political message George was trying to convey from the men's room of the leather palace.

2002-07-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

Blog and Warblog. What is Warblog?

Now that we've been officially branded a 'Warblog' by the propellerheads at "WarbloggerWatch", I have to ask, "Just what in hell makes a web site a 'warblog'?" If you haven't noticed, there hasn't been a lot of actual 'war' content around here lately, unless you consider the RIAA and Sony Music to be mutant Al-Qaida cells. I mean sure, that would explain The Backstreet Boys, but we kinda doubt it.

So what is it? The fact that we started after Sept. 11? Does that make "Greg the Bunny" a "Warshow"?

My guess is that the cataloguing process goes something like this: A) You're a blog, and B) We don't like you. Therefore, C) You're a warblog, and we can pigeonhole you and treat you like a caricature rather than having to think up anything substantive to say.

2002-07-01T14:42:00.000-07:00

WarbloggerWatch Watch

So here I was, lying in a stupiferous fog of schizophrenia, when one of my voices says to the other, "How do you get rid of the mother of all writer's blocks?"

Before the other voice could answer, a saviour rides over the horizon: WarBloggerWatch!. Oh, happy day. 'Cause there's nothing like munching on the crunchy drivelings of the ultra-serious offenderati of the left to get those old creative juices flowing.

Consider This picture, lovingly reprinted from the annals of the quality-challenged 60's. Make love, not war! This is the perfect college protest slogan. Hump a hippie chick for peace! What a brilliant masterstroke by those wacky 60's kids. Not only do you get to protest the war and avoid the draft, but you get to use lines like this: "Come on, baby! If you love your country and want to free the poor people of Vietnam, you'll go down on me like Jacques Cousteau!"

Who said those hippie kids were stupid? No, they knew what they were doing. The stupid ones are the people who look back on slogans like this and see something deep or insightful about them.

Like the humor-challenged folks at Warbloggerwatch.

2002-07-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

Quiet, I'm Talking To Myself!

VodkaPundit thinks that Happy Fun Pundit might be Schizophrenic. An interesting idea, and one which is still being hotly debated by the voices in my head.

2002-07-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

Now I Can Die Happy

Finally, Warblogger Watch has attacked us. I was wondering when they'd get around to us, and it was starting to make me nervous. After all, if we haven't done something to piss them off, we're not doing something right.

But jeez, guys, you had to pick "AfghanMash"? As race-baiting? Uh, okay. But please, if you're going to hate us, pick something more offensive. And something a little newer. That article was written back in the blogger Pleistocene era, fer Crissake.

Mind you, that article is set in large type with smaller words and a nice picture, so we can understand how it fits into your review guidelines.

2002-06-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

Notes From the G8 Summit

Well, it's summit time here in Alberta, and since I live very close to the summit, I thought I should drive down there and give our readers a first-hand account of exactly what's happening.

That thought lasted until the temperature went up to 34 degrees Celcius (about 93 Fahrenheit), at which point it was replaced by the thought that I should really follow the G8 summit from a lakefront resort. So, the wife and I packed up the child and Katie the dog, and off we went.

There was very little G8 action at the lake, but there was a high-school graduation party. A big one. A big, noisy, hormone-laden one. One in which there was much yee-hawing and drinking and probably a lot of sex. In other words, it was WAY better than some lousy G8 summit.

Being a good reporter, I thought I could salvage some form of political respectibility from this trip, so I interviewed one of the grad kids about the G8:

Dan: "So, what do you think of the G8 summit happening nearby?"
Grad: Dude! Listen up. You get some rippin' abs, and a good lower back, and you're stylin'! These guys wasting their time working their arms and legs and calves and stuff, they're like, stupid. The babes don't care, man. They just want those rippin' abs.
Dan: Okay, I see your point, and it's an important one. Tell me what you think is the most important issue facing the G8.
Grad: Dude! Listen, I know all about the G8. My buddy's got a smokin' Mustang with a G8 in it. Blows the doors off of my buddy's Valiant, man.
Dan: You know, it's rare to meet a grad who is ignorant of both politics and cars. How did you manage that?
Grad: Dude! You like my abs? I had to shoot myself up with horse tranquilizers to get that rip, man. But the babes just go nuts for it!
Dan: I notice you don't actually have a 'babe' with you...
Grad: Dude, that's cold, man.
Dan: Just what did you graduate from?
Grad: Dude! Like, high school man. Gonna be a doctor, man. 'Cause the babes dig doctors, and like, they can prescribe their own steroids. I'm gonna be huge, Dude.
Dan: God help us.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that the G8 summit is, like, really hot, dudes.

2002-06-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

Sources within the Recording Industry Assocation of America are reporting that the RIAA has taken note of Moby's remarks regarding the necessity of a level of technological sophistication for CD copying and MP3 exchanging, and have begun work on a new initiative in case their other underhanded shenanigans don't pan out. The new plan, codenamed "Operation Dumb-Looking Beards Without Moustaches", involves passing a bill in both Houses that would force everyone in the world to abandon advanced technology and live in a simple manner best exemplified by the Amish. A short excerpt from a leaked document explains:

...our research has shown that the Amish have the lowest per-capita involvement in theft of intellectual property, either by illegally copying CDs or exchanging MP3s. Since the music business is unquestionably the most important business of all, it makes perfect sense to force the rest of the world to adopt a societal model that will encourage the flourishing of industry-controlled recording artists. Everybody will be too damn tired from barnraisings to download MP3s, and hey, you can't copy a CD with a butter churn.

Response from the Amish community has been mostly exclamations of "What deviltry tis this ye speak of?", but response from other key groups, most notably Senator Fritz Hollings (D -Eminem), has been very positive:

"Strom Thurmond made it all sound pretty good. And I about laughed my ass off at that movie with Tim Allen in the Amish village with Kirstie Alley... what was that called again?"

A next generation rock concert?

The RIAA acknowledges that the sweeping changes of their proposal may not sit well with everyone, and, noting Moby's point about less intelligent people being less capable of stealing crappy music, are also stockpiling large quantities of lead to be added to the nation's drinking water.

2002-06-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

...then he swallowed a whole Jewish guy!

Skinny little bald guy Moby has a theory about why sales of his album 18 (currently #35 on the Billboard chart) haven't beem so great:

...bands who have very technically savvy fans will see their records do poorly in the charts, whereas bands/artists who have less technically savvy fans will do quite well on the charts

Singer Barry Manilow, whose "Ultimate Manilow" collection is #58 on the Billboard chart, agrees. "My fans are like super-geniuses", said Manilow from his Malibu home. "One of them, I think her name is Debbie, invented a machine for automatically cleaning up your carrot peelings. God, how much richer I'd be if I had dumber fans."

Fans of current Billboard chart topper Eminem were unavailable for comment, being very busy with hunting and gathering. On the other hand, fans of Britney Spears (Billboard #98) have evolved into disembodied intelligences that nonetheless can't get enough of the "Oops, I Did It Again!" girl. Members of the Celine Dion (#16) Fan Club were unable to understand written language, but did grunt and throw bones at Dion's latest disc, "A New Day Has Come". One Happy Fun Pundit contributor, noting that the only Billboard-charted CD he owned was the soundtrack from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" (#7) resolved to broaden his musical tastes and thereby move towards developing rudimentary agriculture.

Regrettably, Moby's theorizing did not address issues regarding Germans and David Hasselhoff.

2002-06-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

Casey Jones, Call Your Office

Norman Mineta has unveiled some further details of his plan to save Amtrak, mentioned in passing in this WaPo article. Mineta, citing spiralling wage costs as a key factor in Amtrak's chronic financial woes, has proposed replacing all existing Amtrak staff with young volunteer workers, who will gain valuable job skills while lowering the costs of operating the national rail service. An excerpt from Mineta's speech:

"In the last few months, Amtrak human resources offices have been inundated by young men who want to be part of the transportation industry, motivated only by the desire to make a positive difference in our country. Did I mention that I, like many Japanese Americans of the day, was interned during World War II? Well, it's true. And you roundeye bastards are going to pay. So anyway, the picture you can see is one of these volunteers, a young man named Joe. Joe has spent the last six months training to be a --- whatchacallit, a train-driver guy --- anyhow, he graduated from our train-driver guy program, and will spend the next year driving trains in the busy New York area --- working as an unpaid volunteer. How refreshingly unlike lazy, greedy child-interning Caucasians. "

Joe, Amtrak Volunteer

Punch, boys, punch with care...

Mineta, 69, is the latest in a long line of politicians who have failed to make the trains run on time.

2002-06-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

Bet You Can't Eat Just One...

According to this Reuters story a group of World Health Organization food safety experts will meet to determine if "potato chips, French fries, and other carbohydrate-rich foods" contain unsafe levels of the possibly carcinogenic substance acrylamide.

This session follows hot on the heels of a similar WHO panel formed to study the effects of marijuana.

2002-06-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

The Perfect Spot For Your Next Doomsday!

The inestimable James Lileks gives the full treatment to the remarkable Thunderbird Motel, conveniently located in Minneapolis, MN, just a few minutes from the Mall of America. Of course, if you came to the Blog Bash By The Bay a couple of months ago and stayed past the witching hour, you already knew how desperately remarkable the T-Bird is, because you got to see my pics from that august establishment, where I was an unwilling guest on September 11 and the days following. Go have a look at Lileks' pictures and ask yourself, "Is this comfortably-appointed motel and convention center where I'd want to sit out the Apocalypse?"

One of these days I'll post my tale of September 11... I was on final approach into Minneapolis/St.Paul when the first plane hit the WTC. Needless to say, it was a bad day to be changing planes far away from home.

2002-06-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

Worse Than Senseless Things

From Variety: OLIVER STONE TO ISRAEL: GET OUT OF WEST BANK...

ISRAEL TO OLIVER STONE: GET BENT, WINGNUT.

Twisted Oliver is a busy boy these days. Two of his currents projects: a documentary about Yasser Arafat, and a theatrical feature about Fidel Castro. No word yet on whether he's planning a biopic on Saddam Hussein or a buddy comedy with Kim Jung Il, nor if he's chosen a title for the Arafat documentary. Naturally, Happy Fun Pundit has some suggestions:

"Natural Born Terrorist Dirtbag"
"Old Yasser"
"Big Arafat Liar"
"Lies My Palestinian Authority Told Me"
"Ramallah-Lama Ding Dong"
"Oliver Stone Is a Lying Sack of Crap"
"Palestine Joey"
"Brokedown Palestine"

The best line in the Variety article:

"If (the) documentary on Yasser Arafat is as close to reality as were his movies on John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon, Israel has real reason for concern."

2002-06-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

Lessons in TV Balkanization

A quick Quiz: What do VodkaPundit, InstaPundit, and Happy Fun Pundit all have in common?

Fooled you, didn't I? The correct answer: We all have WAY more viewers than many of Canada's new digital TV channels.

In the past, 'specialty' TV channels in Canada have been bundled in basic cable packages, or in special 'tiered' packages of channels that force consumers to buy them all together. That means a package that has The Biography Channel might also contain MooseTV (all Moose, all the time!). Regulations ensured that these marginal, Canadian-content channels received a share of the profits, along with the right to pretend that someone was actually watching the crap they were delivering.

Recently, the Canadian regulatory body allowed many of the newer channels to be unbundled and sold individually. The price? A couple of bucks a month per channel. And as expected, this new ruling has lifted a curtain of fog away from the viewership habits of Canadians. This has caused many of these channels great consternation, as they discovered that their prime time audiences measured not in the hundreds of thousands, but in the hundreds. Or dozens. Or one guy named Old Joe who watches 'CanoeTV' religiously for the portaging tips.

(Lesson to bloggers: Don't worry about low hit counts. Imagine how you'd feel if you went to the trouble of setting up a TV network and wound up with 14 viewers for your touble.)

Undaunted, CHUMTV (that's right - they gave a network the same name we give to the rotting fish carcasses we throw to sharks) is pushing forward with their intention to create the first all-gay channel, QueerTelevision. Why do gays need their own television channel? From the article:

Gays and Lesbians have reached a critical mass in Canada and around the world. The Canadian lesbian and gay population is currently estimated at 1.65 million, with a net worth of over $51 billion.

Okay... So there are lots of gay people. But consider this: Almost 30 million Canadians wear shirts. Is this a good reason to create ShirtTV? I can hardly wait for the next episode of "VestMan!", a superhero defined by his excellent fashion sense and lack of sleeves.

I've got no problem with QueerTelevision, as long as it's not deemed 'too important' by the CRTC to have to stand on its own and becomes a free rider on basic digital cable packages. If the material is really compelling to gays and lesbians, the channel will survive on its own. But if gay people would rather watch "Law and Order" instead of yet another boring, low production-value crappy show that just happens to feature gay characters, then it will fail miserably.

All of this silliness is the end result of the control of Canada's media by an elite bunch of doo-gooders who think they know what Canada's culture should look like, and have the laws and guns to force it on us. Canadian content laws promote mediocre garbage by giving it a captive audience. Laws forcing cable companies to package channels together in certain ways allow channels with no viewers to get a free ride on the backs of others.

It's a good thing that the Canadian culture fascists never latched on to the Internet, or everyone who surfs from Canada would have to spend 30% of their time reading Canadian web sites. And there's only so many Mark Steyns to go around, you know? The rest of the time Canadians would have to read "Home Page Challenge", in which a panel of has-been Canadian 'celebrities' and journalists would try to guess the identity of another Canadian 'celebrity' based on nothing more than his IP address. Whoo hoo.

Or, they could read Happy Fun Pundit. Now that I think about it, that's not a bad idea. Time to catch that government gravy train!

But to qualify as Canadian Content under our laws, I'd probably have to kill Steve. He'll understand.

2002-06-19T18:55:00.000-07:00

Nuclear Scaremongering From The New York Times? Who'd Have Thought?

I'm having a fun week. First, I got to rip a new hole into The New York Post for a ridiculous article which invented a number of 'facts' about a new Toyota airplane, and now this anti-nuke Op-Ed from the New York Times goes begging for the same treatment. Let's begin:

With the arrest of Jose Padilla, our worst fears were confirmed: Al Qaeda was planning to build and detonate a dirty bomb containing nuclear material in an American city. A danger previously relegated to Hollywood screenplays is now a reality.

Actually, our worst fears are nuclear fission bombs, closely followed by biological attacks, and of course, being forced to watch Madeline Albright and Janet Reno in a nude mud wrestling match.

'Dirty' nuclear bombs are primarily economic weapons. They don't kill a lot of people (compared to an actual fission bomb or bio warfare), but they can create an expensive cleanup job. But the threat is by no means as dire as an actual nuclear detonation, by a few orders of magnitude. Let's not exaggerate, Jim.

At the same time, the Senate is in the process of making the most important transportation decision of the new century — whether or not to move 77,000 tons of high-level nuclear waste from power plants nationwide to Yucca Mountain in Nevada.

Okay, it's perspective time. It's a good thing that he said, "The most important transportation decision of the new century", because that same decision was already made in the last one, 35 years before it ended. Since then, more than 3,000 shipments of used fuel, covering 1.7 million highway and rail miles, have been safely completed in the United States. Over 10 times that amount has been shipped by various methods in other countries. There has NEVER been a nuclear fuel leak.

The implication in the Op-Ed that nuclear waste shipments are a new threat is misleading at best, and intentionally dishonest at worst. The net effect of opening Yucca Mountain will be to add 200 to 400 shipments per year to the large number of shipments already taking place.

For more than 20 years, debate on the Yucca Mountain project has centered on only half of the issue. The Department of Energy has spent more than $7 billion and 24 years studying the geology of potential repository sites, but only four percent of that has been spent on transportation issues.

That's because huge money has ALREADY been spent on transportation issues. Nuclear material shipment has been studied by many other agencies, including the U.S. military (how do you think nuclear material gets to all those subs, carriers, and warheads?), the NRC, DOE, DOT, EPA, and probably the XFL, PGA, and the NHL.

Again, the implication in this paragraph is that the issue of transporting waste has been dangerously neglected. In fact, it's one of the most well-understood and engineered parts of the whole process.

Government officials believe Al Qaeda and other terrorist organizations have sought to purchase uranium and the other necessary tools to make a dirty bomb.

Yep. They sure have. I wonder, though, if they've purchased the materials required to steal a 40-ton nuclear waste cask? Wasn't that Achmed I saw carrying around that 80-ton flatbed crane? Oh, and are they prepared to mount a military operation against a nuclear convoy surrounded by armed guards? And if they manage to kill all the guards and leave the truck in driving condition, how far are they going to get?

And you can't just open the cask and take out the nuclear materials. These casks are sealed, and it takes professionals with the right tools something like seven hours to open one of them. So forget the scenarios involving terrorists digging their hands into a broken cask at an accident site and running around like deranged fairies sprinkling nuclear dust on everyone - it isn't going to happen.

Nuclear fuel convoys are hard targets. Terrorists don't like hard targets. They like killing women, children, and other people who don't shoot back. And if they tried to attack a convoy, the likely result would be a vehicle accident, some gunfire, a bunch of dead terrorists, and an intact cask being airlifted away from the scene by the U.S. military. As terrorist threats go, nuclear waste shipments are pretty far down on the list.

According to experts, each truck container of spent nuclear fuel (containers used for rail and barge transport would be bigger) headed for Yucca Mountain would carry more radioactive material than was released by the nuclear bombs used in World War II. If one of these containers were breached, in an accident or a terrorist attack, the results would be catastrophic.

Now THAT is an inflammatory paragraph. Sure, each container contains more material by weight than was used in the two WWII fission bombs. But then, so does Ted Kennedy. So what? It's not fissionable material, and the comparison is ridiculous unless the goal is not to provide facts, but to scare people.

If a nuclear container were breached in an accident (and that's a BIG 'if', as you'll see), the result would be radiation poisoning of the people directly involved in the accident, maybe, and a HAZMAT cleanup job. This material isn't an aerosol, and isn't going to pollute the nearest city. It will spill on the ground, and have to be cleaned up.

If terrorists could blow one up, they could disperse material farther. But good luck cracking one of these things open. These casks have walls one-foot thick, and are compartmentalized internally. They can take a direct hit from a shoulder-launched missile without cracking open. Crashing a plane into them won't crack them open.

Vehicles carrying nuclear casks have been involved in 90 accidents since they started transporting waste. Not once has one spilled any material.

Before Congress makes any decision on where to store this country's nuclear waste, it must first determine whether that waste can be safely transported on our highways, waterways and railways.

Something that has already been determined. Not only were extensive studies done on the safety of transporting waste, but we now have almost 40 years of empirical data that shows that transporting waste IS safe. We do it all the time. We'll continue to do it, whether or not Yucca mountain is opened.

The last thing we need is a 'study' on very technical issues carried out by the non-technical yammerheads in Congress. Especially a redundant one.

Congress must require that the Department of Energy conduct a comprehensive risk assessment considering all potential hazards, including terrorist threats. Congress must also demand that the department develop a transportation safety plan that outlines steps to be taken in the event of terrorist acts and accidents. And there must be full-scale testing of the containers to be used for transporting this waste. The transportation plan must be created in an open process that includes input from state and local officials and the public. With our enemy in active pursuit of dirty bombs, our considerations about nuclear waste management have to change.

Unless our previous studies already considered those issues and concluded satisfactorily. Believe it or not, terrorists attacking waste convoys is not a new concept. That scenario has always been part of nuclear waste transportation risk assessment.

As for testing the casks, they are already tested and have been for decades. Specifically, the NRC requires that each cask design pass a certification trial that includes: a 30-foot fall onto a flat, unyielding surface; a 40-inch drop onto a vertical steel rod; exposure to a 1,475° F fire for 30 minutes; and submersion under three feet of water for eight hours.

Transportation casks have been driven into brick walls at 65 mph. They have been slammed with forces designed to simulate an 80mph train wreck. They have been totally immersed in fires for hours. Computer simulations that are very well understood go even further and test casks against multitudes of different accident and terrorist scenarios. They do not break open.

Secretary Abraham has said there is plenty of time to create a transportation plan before Yucca Mountain begins receiving nuclear waste eight years from now. But safety issues will almost certainly get short shrift if they are not addressed before the repository site is approved.

Well, that's a nice tautology. Safety issues will get short shrift unless we study them. And my supper will get short shrift unless I eat it. Good thinking, Jim.

Congress needs to force the Department of Energy to reassess the dangers of transporting high-level nuclear waste and develop a secure plan before proceeding with the Yucca Mountain project.

This whole issue is a red herring, because nuclear waste shipment will continue whether or not Yucca is approved. If the shipments are not safe from terrorist attacks, does it really matter if we have 200 shipments a year instead of 500? All the terrorists need is one. And if they are completely safe, who cares how many there are?

I actually have no problem with re-assessing the specifics of design and transport of nuclear casks given what we know about the new terrorist threat. That seems to me to be a reasonable thing to do.

Such evaluations should be done by engineers and scientists, and the results should be used to improve upon the design of the casks and the system as a whole. But this article's alarmist tone and misleading 'facts' suggest that such a re-assessment should be carried out by politicians who would have to use copious amounts of their soft-money donations to buy a clue about nuclear engineering, and the end result would be a lot of hand waving and the closure of Yucca mountain.

The strange part about this Op-Ed is that the author, Jim Hall, is a member of the National Academy of Engineering's Committee on Combating Terrorism, was chairman of the National Transportation Safety Board from 1994 to 2001. He is undoubtedly familiar with the points I raised here. So what's the deal? Was this article intentional misinformation designed to scare people? Or just sloppy work?

Oh, wait, it's the New York Times Op-Ed page. Therefore, we can assume it's a political screed with a biased viewpoint and an agenda. What was I thinking?

2002-06-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

Chain Chain Chain, Chain of Fools

Here's a bit of information I'm dead tired of reading:

...the Al Aqsa group, which is linked to Arafat's Fatah movement.

Linked and linked... what is linked? Linked how? Can you go from Fatah's webpage to Al Aqsa Martyr Brigades Online with a single click of the mouse? Is Arafat the boss of them? Do they tell Arafat what to do? Do they play golf together? Do they both own part of the same timeshare condo in Maui? Are they linked in the same way that Ted Turner's head and ass are linked? Do they share the same answering service: "For the Yasser Arafat's Fatah Movement, press 1. For Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades, press 2. If you would like to order Fatah or Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades t-shirts, key fobs, or suicide belts, press 3. To return to this menu at any time, press the key which reminds you most of the flag of Jew apes and criminals who occupy our homeland"? Are their kids in the same class at Splodeydope Academy? (not bloody likely; I'm sure the children of "leaders" are, like the leaders themselves, too important to get blowed up real good). Do they live next door to each other? ("Hey baby? The Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades are coming over to barbecue on Saturday... pick up a couple extra halal ribeyes, wouldja?") Is there intermarriage between the two movements? Sounds like a smart Fatah girl could make out pretty well marrying martyrs, and, well, dang, there's a whole brigade of them, and they're Al Aqsa, not some off-brand which won't detonate if you get them damp. Are they wacky mismatched roommates, with the neat and proper Al Aqsa Martyrs Brigades driven to distraction by the slovenly and unkempt Fatah movement, leading to a half hour of zany Palestinian fun each week? Or is it a Lewinsky-Clinton "you might want to get your head dress dry cleaned when you get home" kinda linkage?

"linked": it's like ibuprofen that makes difficult research about ties between gangs of creeps go away like magic!

Coming up next: just what is a Fatah movement anyway? Do you have to eat a lot of watermelon to have one?

And a tip o' the Happy Fun Hat to Jim Treacher for coining "splodeydope"

2002-06-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

"So dense that nothing escapes its gravitational pull, not even light"

According to the New York Post, Oprah Winfrey is steadily cutting back the number of shows she does. According to the Post,

Winfrey, who's ending "The Oprah Winfrey Show" in 2006, will do only 29 weeks of original shows - down from 37 - for each of the next two seasons, according to Broadcasting & Cable magazine. After that, she will cut back her on-air time even more drastically -working only 20 weeks in the '04-'05 season and a measly 15 weeks in the final season ('05-'06).

What could explain this behaviour? According to the University of Kansas' "Mammals of Kansas" list:

[The shrew] has an unusually high rate of metabolism (about 10 cm3 oxygen per gram body weight per hour). As a result of the high energy loss, the need for food is almost constant. In 24 hours it eats 60-100 percent of its weight. The demand for energy is so great that if it is without food on a cold day it will starve in a short time.

I'm just sayin' somebody might want to start counting Oprah's production assistants, that's all.

2002-06-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

Ted Turner Latest Confirmed Case of Fonda's Disease

In an interview with the Guardian, wealthy idiot Ted Turner confirmed that he is the latest celebrity to fall prey to Fonda's Disease, an emerging pathology especially prevalent among American celebrities since 9/11. Although Turner did not mention the disease, he displayed its chief symptom: spouting off stupid nonsensical opinions despite the demonstrable fact that nobody cares what he thinks. The diagnosis surprised absolutely no one, given that Turner and Jane Fonda (the "index case" for whom the disease is named) were married and presumably had some kind of intimate contact where their nasty leathery bodies touched in a manner that doesn't bear thinking about.

Turner's remarks, as reported in The Gooberian, a noted bulwark of objectivity and moral clarity, had something to do with the Israelis being terrorists and root causes or some crap like that. Representatives of Israel's government strongly condemned the remarks, saying, "What? Isn't that guy dead or fired from his job or something? Why is he still talking?" Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat was more positive in his response, asking if Turner could introduce him to Bridget Fonda before condemning the CNN founder as an Israeli spy and accusing him of planting weapons aboard the Karine-A in an effort to discredit the Palestinian cause. The EU response was also more measured; the Belgian ambassador summed the matter up well in his statement: "Babe, where's the remote? That annoying guy is being interviewed by the Guardian again."

Turner's recent film appearance in the 2001 production "Fidel" with Muhammed Ali caused significant controversy at the Academy Awards, since it is contrary to Academy policy to have two nominees for "Stupidest, Most Inarticulate Dumbass" from the same film.

2002-06-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

A Trip Into Bad Technology Reporting

As a pilot, I've grown accustomed to the incredibly bad reporting that usually surrounds aviation issues. Most of the time, details such as airplane models and engine types are wrong, and often, bystanders to accidents are written up as aviation experts despite howlers like confusing an engine 'stalling' with the wings 'stalling'.

But it's not often you get to read a fairy tale written up as a real news story. But the New York Post gives it the old college try with this humdinger: NEW TOYOTA PLANE PREPARING FOR TAKEOFF. This is an article about a new aircraft Toyota is developing. This is one of those articles that deserves a line-by-line dissection, so bear with me while I do just that:

Toyota thinks cars of tomorrow will be airborne machines - and has already designed one in a top-secret project.

No, it doesn't. No one with any understanding of aviation thinks that aircraft will be the cars of tomorrow.

The new Toyota flying machine will cost about the same amount as the carmaker's vaunted Lexus luxury car - around $50,000 - and will be as simple to fly as driving a car.

No it won't, and no it won't. In fact, this is what Toyota Spokesman Mike Michels had to say about the aircraft: ""We hold no illusions of sort of Tom Swift kinds of visions of flying cars. "We think there is a market, but in terms of pricing, we would be competitive with similar types of aircraft."

Translation - this is a new aircraft that will sell for somewhere between $150,000 and $300,000. It will have four seats, and be flown like other aircraft in its class. But you can see where the Post writer got the impression that it was... Actually, no you can't. The technical phrase for this kind of mistake is, "Not having a clue."

But the true test of Toyota's future craft may be found in the skies above the road-rage wracked Long Island Expressway and the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.

Why? Are the road-raged drivers planning on installing anti-aircraft guns on their cars?

Besides triggering an air traffic nightmare, the Toyota machine could spell the end of hamburger drive-ins and lovers' lane interludes, and forever change the American lifestyle built around motoring.

Now this is just getting silly. Change the American lifestyle built around motoring? "Hey Honey, what say we fire up the airplane and fly twelve blocks over to the Quickie-Mart for a Squishy?". Did this writer even think about what he was saying?

Experts said the Toyota aircraft would be registered as an airplane, and drivers would have to earn flying licenses to operate them.

Those crazy experts, always going out on a limb. I suppose the writer at the 'Post' didn't realize the contradiction of saying that an airplane that was about to replace the car would require $6,000 worth of training just to keep people from digging big Toyota-shaped holes in the ground.

Where the Toyota craft would be parked or gassed up before a trip with the kids is uncertain because small private airports are disappearing rapidly from the countryside.

What, he thought this car was going to replace the automobile, but be parked at small private airports? Youv'e gotta be more creative than that when inventing a story. He should have just stuck with the fantasy he started and said that the Toyota plane would levitate on a cushion of love and good will.

Toyota in the U.S. had no comment on the closely guarded project. Toyota's car designers and engineers from its Los Angeles office worked with the legendary aircraft designer Burt Rutan to come up with the Toyota model, according to industry reports.

Rutan called the airborne Toyota "the aeronautical equivalent of the Lexus LS400."

And here's the quote that I'm willing to bet got this writer in trouble. When Rutan said that the car will be the "aeronautical equivalent of the Lexus LS400", our factually-challenged writer no doubt took this and ran with it - creating all the loony 'facts' in the article. Why, it will be the price of a Lexus! It will replace cars on the freeway! It'll cost about the same as a Corvette, but won't get you laid nearly as often!

There's a limit to how far you can draw an analogy. Rutan is a genius, and his comparison to the Lexus was meant to suggest that the Toyota airplane would be more luxurious and sophisticated than other aircraft in its market segment.

But hey, how many copies of the New York Post can you sell with a story like that?

2002-06-12T11:59:00.000-07:00

Her therapist says she has difficulties with men who are presidents

How did this happen?

Sometime in the Nineties

MARTIN: Janet?

JANET: Who is this?

MARTIN: Janet, it's Martin.

JANET: Oh, Martin. Hello, Martin. I haven't heard from you for quite some time.

MARTIN: Now, Janet, don't be that way. You know how busy I am.

JANET: Well... well, I've been busy too, you know. It wasn't like I was sitting around waiting for you to call.

MARTIN: Yes, I saw you on TV. You were very impressive.

JANET: Thank you.

MARTIN: And not a little bit sexy, too. Growrr!

JANET: (giggles) Oh, Martin!

MARTIN: And have you done something with your hair?

JANET: I washed it, could you tell? You're so perceptive.

MARTIN: As a consummate actor, I have to notice things about people. Like whether or not they're using drugs.

JANET: Drugs? I'm not using drugs.

MARTIN: Speaking of drugs, Jan... Charlie is in trouble again.

JANET: Oh, dear. What is it now?

MARTIN: I'm not clear on the details, but I'm betting there are drugs and prostitutes involved.

JANET: And stolen cars. And underaged girls. I've got the case here in front of me.

MARTIN: Look, if it would help, we could teargas the whorehouse he goes to, or burn it down or something. It's OK to burn down bad places, isn't it?

JANET: Well, now that's an interesting idea.

MARTIN: Oh. (long pause) So how much trouble is he in?

JANET: Trouble? He's not in any trouble.

MARTIN: But... Janet... I mean... he's broken the law.

JANET: Mister, in this country... I am the law.

MARTIN: So... you can fix it?

JANET: I could fix it.

MARTIN: See, as an actor, I'm observing your interesting choice of words there. You could fix it.

JANET: That's right. Could.

MARTIN: Whereas a more usual usage would be to say you will fix it.

JANET: One day, Martin, I will ask you for a favour. A big tall favour.

MARTIN: Sure, doll, whatever you say, don't go all Colonel Kurtz on me.

JANET: Say it, Martin. Say "I owe you a big tall favour."

MARTIN: Hey, Janet, it's not that I'm ---

JANET: Emilio says he may recover some memories.

MARTIN: Why, that treacherous little ---

JANET: He really wants to be in another Disney film. And you know how good I am with recovered memories, Martin.

MARTIN: (defeated) I owe you a big tall favour, Janet.

JANET: Thank you, Martin. You'll be hearing from me.

Some time in 2002

RECORDED VOICE: Hello, this is activist actor Martin Sheen. I'm out doing something important for society ---

JANET: Martin, it's Janet. Pick up.

MARTIN: Janet? Hey, babe, it's been a long time.

JANET: It has indeed, Martin. I haven't heard from you since the election.

MARTIN: Well, you know, I've been busy with West Wing. And Charlie's really got his life straightened out. You know who really helped him? Archie Bunker. Do you believe that?

JANET: That's great, Martin. I'm glad to hear it.

MARTIN: Yeah, it's all good. So what are you, uh, doing these days?

JANET: I work at 7-11, what the hell do you think?

MARTIN: Well, I'm all in favour of seniors' rights to work, you know that.

JANET: Martin, I'm running for governor of Florida.

MARTIN: No kidding? Well, good for you, good for you. Isn't the real president's brother governor of Florida?

JANET: Yes, and I'm certain that I can unseat him.

MARTIN: Hey, Jan... I'm not a politician, I just play one on TV, but don't you think you should start smaller?

JANET: What do you mean?

MARTIN: Well, is Jesse Ventura running again in Minnesota? 'cause I'll tell you, you just headbutt him during a debate, and he'll lose it completely. Hulk Hogan used that trick all the time.

JANET: I'm running for governor of Florida, Martin. And you're going to help me.

MARTIN: I've got my checkbook in my hand, Janet. Just tell me who to make it out to.

JANET: You're going to campaign with me, Martin.

MARTIN: Uhm, Janet? I'm not really the president.

JANET: You think I don't know that? There's a real ex-president who owes me, owes me big. I did everything but lick the goddam stains off her dress.

MARTIN: Whoah, too much information, Janet, too much information.

JANET: So when can I expect you?

MARTIN: Oh, Jan, you know I'd love to help out, but I have air force bases to protest at. I'm Mister Protest Guy... always have been, can't help it, it's in my blood.

JANET: There's a lot of blood in a prostitute, Martin. A lot of blood.

MARTIN: (defeated) Just fax me the appearance schedule.

JANET: Oh, and Martin? You're going to touch me. In public.

MARTIN: Oh God.

JANET: A big tall favour, Martin.

2002-06-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

Clinton Staffers Trashed The White House

According to the GAO, Clinton staffers did about 20 grand in damage to the White House, confirming charges of vandalism that were repeated and denied shortly after the last election. You can read about it here.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, an outraged Happy Fun Pundit spokesman (we'll call him "Dan") was heard to say, "You call THOSE pranks? Putting pictures of Bush in reams of paper, cutting phone cords, and removing keys from keyboards? Bloody amateurs."

"Dan" suggested that had Happy Fun Pundit been in charge of the White House, the pranks would have been much better. Of course, the United States would also have collapsed in ruins, but that's a side issue. Some of the pranks suggested by "Dan":

Packing a picture of Janet Reno signed, "Love, Janet" and a pair of men's brief's with a "JR" monogram on them into Bill's suitcase, just to confuse Hillary when she snoops through it.

Re-wiring the red hotline phone to the local Dominos so that instead of averting nuclear war, a large pepperoni with anchovies is delivered to the White House.

Installing a hidden speaker and receiver in the ceiling of the presidential bedroom, and then transmitting whispers late at night saying, "George, this is Ike. Ari Fleischer is plotting against you."

Replacing the official stationary with some that, if held up to the light, shows a faint watermarked image of Uncle Sam giving you the finger.

Replacing the nude statues with nude likenesses of Helen Thomas from UPI

'Accidentally' leaving behind a partial tape recording that has Clinton's voice saying, "My god, if the Bush Administration ever finds out about this, the Democrats are finished!". Just for fun, leave clues pointing towards the government of Luxembourg.

So, next time you're thinking of trashing the White House, remember to call in the pros.

2002-06-10T13:07:00.000-07:00

More on the Digital Media Bill From Hell

Happy Fun Pundit is doing its bit to help people realize just how awful the new "Consumer Broadband and Digital Television Promotion Act" bill really is. For the record, the bill is S. 2048. It was formally introduced by Fritz Hollings (Democrat, Sony), Ted Stevens (Republican, Disney), Daniel Inouye, John Breaux, Bill Nelson, and Diane Feinstein. Full text of the bill is here.

Just What Is This Bill?
Let's see if I can describe the 'big picture' without resorting to expletives. This concept behind this bill is that every piece of intellectual property in digital form will be encrypted and stamped with its own copyright information. All devices that can read or display that information must have a device that decrypts the file based on the limitations of the copyright. The 'chain' of distribution will stay encrypted right to the display device.

For example, if you have an HDTV today, the signal is decoded usually in a set-top box, and then a high-quality analog signal is fed into your TV. Of course, that signal can also be fed into a video recorder or digital recorder, allowing you to make copies of it. The goal of this bill is to keep the data encrypted throughout the entire process, until it's finally decoded inside the TV itself. Theoretically, the only way you could then make a copy of it would be to set up a camcorder or something and record right off the screen.

No word yet on when Congress is planning on making it illegal to actually use this material - after all, you could read a copywritten poem and then repeat it to someone. Can't have that.

What's So Bad About It?
Good question. Glad you asked. For starters, the bill makes illegal the interstate transport of any "Digital Media Device" which does not have a special copy protection chip in it. What's a Digital Media Device? From the bill:

3) DIGITAL MEDIA DEVICE. -- The term "digital media device" means any hardware or software that --

(A) reproduces copyrighted works in digital form;
(B) converts copyrighted works in digital form into a form whereby the images and sounds are visible or audible; or

(C) retrieves or accesses copyrighted works in digital form and transfers or makes available for transfer such works to hardware or software described in subparagraph (B).

That's pretty much anything that works with digital data in any form. Your palm pilot, Mp3 player, digital television, projector, set-top box, and even individual memory sticks and PCMCIA memory cards. It also means software, and note that almost anything sent across the internet is 'interstate commerce', which means that if you write a utility to display a copy protected image, it had better have security code in it that the government approves of, or you'll be doing time.

Note that one nasty little side-effect of this law will be to make all existing computer hardware and software obsolete for using new digital content. Got an HDTV system with a projector? Tough noogies. That projector doesn't have the approved copyright chip in it, and therefore will not be allowed to receive the new digital data stream. And you can't even get around that with a decoder box, because devices are not allowed to read copywritten digital data and reproduce it without security controls.

The bill also makes it illegal to modify either the security code in a product, or to remove the copyright information in the original content. It also requires that all public computer networks transmit all copyright information along with the content.

This has already had a chilling effect on progress in encryption research. A Princeton computing science professor has had to withdraw a paper that revealed how to crack SDMI, for fear that he would come under legal action by the recording industry. I'm not sure how people are even supposed to do research to test the effectiveness of the various security schemes, as the research itself would appear to be illegal under this bill if it involves actual attempts to crack the encryption.

The net effect of all of this will be to obsolete billions of dollars in equipment, to raise the price and increase the size of every digital product in the marketplace, and to force a standard on us that will no doubt be obsolete and cracked before it's even released. The bill makes provision for 'updating' the standard, but when the government uses its big hammer to force one technology on everyone, the cost of updates will be horrendous.

How would you like to buy a new MP3 player, have the security algorithm in it be hacked by someone, and then be forced to have to 'upgrade' in order to get the content you thought you could get when you bought the thing? This will have a chilling effect on innovation in the digital world.

What about my Fair Use Rights?
What, you thought you had fair use rights? Clearly, you haven't got the kind of insight that years in Congress and a number of large checks from the entertainment industry can give you. 'Fair Use' is protected in this bill in name only, and even then only for over-the-air broadcasts. This is the section that addresses fair use:

(1) LIMITATION ON THE EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS OF COPYRIGHT OWNERS. -- In achieving the goal of promoting as many lawful uses of copyrighted works as possible, while preventing as much infringement as possible, the encoding rules shall take into account the limitations on the exclusive rights of copyright owners, including the fair use doctrine.

(2) PERSONAL USE COPIES. -- No person may apply a security measure that uses a standard security technology to prevent a lawful recipient from making a personal copy for lawful use in the home of programming at the time it is lawfully performed, on an over-the-air broadcast, premium or non-premium cable channel, or premium or non-premium satellite channel, by a television broadcast station (as defined in section 122 (j)(5)(A) of title 17, United States Code), a cable system (as defined in section 111(f) of such title), or a satellite carrier (as defined in section 119(d)(6) of such title).

That sounds reasonable, but how does the bill allow for a 'personal copy', if the content isn't allowed to be converted to unprotected analog? Time to throw out your VCR. I guess the vision here is that you'll buy a digital recorder which will allow you to store something and watch it when you want. But what about archives? Or music? Can't make a cassette tape for your car - I guess you'll have to buy a new digital car player if you want to listen to that new CD you bought.

You'll also note that the only 'personal use copies' mentioned in the bill are copies of broadcast material. It says nothing about personal use copies of other digital content like music and movies.

The problem with trying to encode a device to incorporate 'fair use' is that fair use itself is a sliding standard. For example, using exerpts from songs, books, and movies is legal for certain purposes, and illegal for others. There is no way a simplistic chip that can fit in a memory stick can make that determination. For that matter, there's no way to know what 'fair use' for a digital work created 20 years from now would be.

There's also no provision for a copyright to expire in this bill, so if the copyright expires on a piece of digital content you have, you still won't be able to copy it or do anything else with it that the original copyright holders don't approve of.

The end result is that 'fair use' will be decided by - the people selling you the product. They'll set up the algorithm to allow one digital copy, or to allow transfer to another machine that has a matching owner ID, or something like that. If you have a legal use for the content you purchased that does not match the vision of the content provider, you're just out of luck. And the content providers have an incentive to restrict your fair use rights as much as possible.

Will It Stop Piracy?
Oh, man, my aching sides. Sorry, I was too busy laughing to answer there for a minute. The short answer: No, of course not. All it takes is one person somewhere to strip the encryption out of a digital song or movie and put the unprotected version on the net, and before you can blink it'll be all over the place. And since this technology will put limitations on 'fair use' that do not belong there, the result will be to force legitimate owners into the black market of unprotected material simply to be able to do the things they have a right to do under the law.

This bill shows the kind of insight into the modern computing world that would be exhibited by your average trained circus monkey. No one I know who actually works in the field thinks that this will do much of anything to stop the type of copying done on peer-to-peer networks like Gnutella or Kazaa. The people that use those networks are smart enough to get around this, and the illegality of hacking the encryption clearly won't stop them, since it's not stopping them now.

What Can I Do?
I recommend Tequila shots. Lots of them. But if you want a more practical idea, I'd suggest writing the people involved in this mess and telling them how unlikely you are to ever vote for them or anyone who looks like them, ever again. You could also go to this web site: Help Stop the CBDTPA and take some of the steps mentioned there.

2002-06-07T10:17:00.000-07:00

Backstreet Boy Testifies on Mountaintop Mining

Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson testified before Congress yesterday on the issue of mountaintop mining. Apparently, Richardson's extensive experience rolling around in mountains of money has made him uniquely qualified to lecture Congress on this subject. Or, Joe Lieberman is grandstanding and trying to focus media attention on himself by inviting Richardson to testify. You decide.

"Mr. Richardson is here as more than a well-known celebrity," Lieberman said. "He is knowledgeable on this issue and has in fact worked to protect the environment in his home state. I believe his voice will add to our understanding of the issue."

Since "knowing something about something" appears to be the new standard for allowing people to testify in front of Congress, I hereby announce my intention to address a joint session of Congress on how to avoid 'bitter beer face'. Also, I'm pretty sure Ted Kennedy would like to know my special formula for the Ultimate Margarita.

At first, I wasn't sure what to think about Richardon's testimony. I was too busy dry heaving. But after that, it occured to me that there is an upside here - this may, in fact, be the nation's healthy response to the dangerously high levels of suckage in today's music industry. After all, if Richardson is busy testifying in front of Congress, he's too busy to write more songs that have the word 'girl' in them 27 times. Our government seems fully engaged in solving the bad music problem - Congress has Richardson tied up, while NASA plans to launch N'Sync's Lance Bass into space. Someone call the State Department - I smell a diplomatic position in Rwanda for Celine Dion.

Anyway, given the importance of Richardsn's testimony, I thought a transcript of it would be helpful. Let's listen in, shall we?

Richardson: Hey, politician dudes! You've gotta stop people from mining on mountains. It's not cool.
Senator Kennedy: Is it true that you guys have hundreds of groupies back stage after every concert? And they go home afterwards and don't even try to sue you or anything?
Richardson: Yes, but I want to talk about mountaintop mining. I don't like it. It looks ugly when you fly over top of a mountain at 35,000 feet in your Learjet, and it's all, like, chewed up and stuff.
Senator Clinton: Is it true that Lance Bass is single again? I think he's dreamy.
Richardson: I don't know. He's in N'Sync. I'm in The Backstreet Boys. You can tell the groups apart by... Okay, maybe he is in the Backstreet Boys. Or am I in N'Sync? Wait. He's 'the smart one', and I'm also 'the smart one'. So we are in different bands. Gotta be. The formula doesn't allow for duplicates. Anyway, about this mountaintop mining stuff...
Senator Byrd: Just tell us how much money you want, and how much of it can be spent in my state, okay?
Richardson: Well, I'm not exactly looking for money, I want you to stop...
Senator Lieberman: Could you move a bit to left, kid? You're blocking the press's view of my new suit.
Richardson: Uh, sure, but...
Senator Thurmond: Can I get a wax pressing of your music for my Victrola?
Richardson:What's a Vic..
Senator Hutchison: Too bad about Dee Dee Ramone, huh? "Rock N' Roll High School" is my favorite movie. The Ramones kicked serious ass, didn't they? But just like Johnny Rotten said, it's better to burn out than fade away, am I right?
Richardson: That's something I'm not qualified to speak on. I have no talent or understanding of music. About mountaintop...
Senator Lieberman: Okay, the press is gone. Thanks kid. You were a big help.
Richardson: But I didn't get to say anything about....
Senator Clinton: Could I get you to autograph my copy of the Federal Register? I'd just die if I let Kevin Richardson get within 20 feet of me and leave without an autograph!
Richardson: Piss off.

All in all, another historic session in Congress. What with the war on terror, the threat of nuclear war in India and Pakistan, a stock market falling faster than Bill Clinton's reputation, and the biggest re-structuring of the government since WWII, it's nice to see that Congress knows where its priorities lie.

2002-06-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

A Music Industry Suckage Update

Here is yet another hand-wringing article about the state of the music industry: Fans, artists and industry: Nobody's rockin'. At least this one gets it mostly right - a big part of the problem is that the music industry is now largely controlled by an oligarchy of clueless bean counters.

There are some interesting tidbits in this article. The first is that the best selling album today is the new effort from Eminem, "The Eminem Show". Now, looking at this guy's demographic, I'd have to say that these are exactly the same people who are most likely to download music from the Internet. And yet, the album sold 300,000 copies in its first two days in stores, and is expected to sell 1 million more this week, which will be a new sales record. Internet downloads do not appear to have hurt Eminem.

On the other hand, 'compilation' CD's of current radio hits are not selling, largely because there are no current radio hits. And that has absolutely nothing to do with piracy. People still listen to music in their cars, it's just that more and more of them are listening to their own CD's or tuning into 'classic rock' stations. People just don't like most of the music being produced today, and that's why they aren't buying it. As the Eminem example shows, if people like the music they will still buy the CD.

Continuing from the article:

As for today's music offerings, well, fresh bands grow stale overnight while The Beatles continue to sell quite steadily. In this singles-minded era, fans forge only feeble bonds with momentary artists.

''Rock bands have hits, but nobody knows who they are,'' says Alan Light, a former Spin editor preparing to launch a music magazine.

''It's the Nickelback question. They have the most-played song in modern-rock radio history (How You Remind Me), and you can't pick them out of a police lineup. There's no story, and it's part of an enormous problem at the heart of the music industry. Artists are being prematurely dismissed or not signed in the first place.

Apart from inciting 'Nickelback' into a life of anonymous crime, the implication here is that there is something about new music that makes it hard for bands to gain name recognition. And that's true. The problem is that the music is CRAP. The same thing happened to crappy music in the 60's, the 70's, and the 80's. Anyone remember Brownsville Station? "Smokin' in the Boy's Room" was a monster hit for them. How about The Starland Vocal Band? "Afternoon Delight" was a huge smash. And I'll bet even those of you who remember the band names know nothing about them, and couldn't name a single member. The Starland Vocal Band fan club consists of one old guy named Howie, and I believe he's an accountant for Sony.

It takes more than one hit song to establish name recognition. It takes a career of excellent music, and that means real talent is generally a necessity. And I'm not talking about the ability to sing and dance - the supply of good singers and dancers is huge, but Bob Dylan can do neither and he has had a great career. The talent we're talking about is artistic talent - the ability to shape words and music in ways that speak to the human condition. Talent like that requires nurturing, not a half-pound of glitter and a bitchin' video.

The problem today is that groups with real talent aren't being allowed to grow. Many classic artists started out slowly in record sales, and some never had big hits at all when they were making records. It took a large body of work to establish a fan base.

Consider The Grateful Dead. Their only top-10 hit, "A Touch of Grey", charted 22 years and several liver operations after the band's first album. Despite the lack of individual hits, they became immensely popular and turned into an enormous cash cow on tour. Today, their albums sell better than they did when they were first released.

Had The Grateful Dead started up last year, they would have been cancelled by the record company after one or two albums, and faded into obscurity. And of course, if a record company signed The Grateful Dead today, they would have forced Jerry Garcia to change his name to 'P. Doopy Doo' or dropped him from the band because he wasn't trending well with the 12 year-old female demographic.

As long as the record industry continues to favor focus groups and 'packaged' bands, it will continue to neglect real talent, and it will continue to decline. File sharing has nothing to do with it.

2002-06-05T12:02:00.000-07:00

American Taliban Defense Team Wants Court to Wear Flower in its Hair

Lawyers representing American Taliban John Walker Lindh are at it again. This time, they've asked for the trial to be moved to San Francisco from Alexandria, where, they contend, a fair trial cannot be had due to proximity to the Pentagon. In a statement before the court, Lindh's defense team said, in part:

Your honour, not only is this venue inappropriate due to its proximity to the Pentagon, which was severely damaged in the September 11 terrorist attacks, which my client deplores, had nothing to do with, and had no knowledge of --- why, just the other day, he was saying to me, boy howdy Mister Lawyer, was I ever puzzled when those American guys showed up and started asking me questions, which I didn't answer at the time because neither of them said "Simon Says", because what would American guys be doing questioning a hog-tied yet peaceful and America-loving student of Islam, which, I hasten to point out, means "peace", and then there was that whole prison uprising thing, man, don't get me started --- anyhow, so, yeah, the venue sucks. Plus, Mr. Walker can't get a trial by a jury of his peers here --- I have looked again Virginia, your honour, and I must say I am struck by the complete absence of freaky youths whose hyper-indulgent hippie-dippy parents encouraged and funded their teenage kid's solo excursion into extreme Islam which included dropping out of school for long trips to Middle Eastern countries, wearing a turban while visiting Ireland --- and your honour, you may have noticed my name is Brosnahan, and yes, I do have a touch of the blarney, and I have to say, it'd take a boy of rare courage to pop around the pub wearing a turban in the old country, and hearing about that just made me want to hug the boy and say, don't you know it's gonna be all right my brave brave boy, but then he would say get your Satan-worshippin' hands off me, infidel --- anyways, your honour, my client is a unique and precious snowflake, and while Alexandria's a lovely town, it's a little short on peers of John Walker Lindh.

The prosecution interrupted once to object to Brosnahan's claim to have a touch of the blarney; the judge sustained the objection and ordered a notation that Brosnahan is in fact full of shit be entered into the record. The judge also reprimanded Brosnahan for using the longest run-on sentence in recent legal history.

If the change-of-venue motion fails, Lindh's defense team is by no means out of ever-more-cunning legal maneuvers. A quick peek at their play book revealed the following:

"Tain't right, he's just a bwah" --- to be read aloud using the voice of "Carl" from "Sling Blade".

Your honour, my client was told that what he needed was to play "hide the salami" and due to an unfortunate bout of dyslexia, what he heard was "hide with Islamists." Are we as a people prepared to sentence a boy to life in prison over a spoonerism?

The Chewbacca Defense

"If the burka fits, you must acquit!"

If freed, Johnny's life will be devoted to a hunt for the real killers of Johnny Spann.

Motion to change the trial's venue to Afghanistan.

The Twinkie Defense

Walker, 21, is accused of being a complete asshole.

2002-06-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

GOP Fundraising Mystery Solved!

Our esteemed Steve recently described his confusion over receiving an invitation to a George W. Bush fundraiser.

Well, consider the mystery solved. According to this story, an invitation to the same fundraiser has been sent to an inmate at a correctional institute. Clearly, the administration considers America's violent offenders to be excellent fundraising prospects. So remember, Steve - if you're going to shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die, be prepared for the consequences. You may have to have supper with the President.

2002-06-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

Annex Alberta!

In another typically excellent article, Mark Steyn suggests that the United States annex Alberta. Why? Well, because we have the Calgary Stampede, and a bitchin' display of the Aurora Borealis.

Oh, and we have oil. A lot of oil. We are the lubricated province. Chafing is unknown to the average Albertan. Whenever we're feeling particularly dry and itchy, we just punch a stick in the ground and roll around in that bubbling black gold. We have enough oil to keep the hair of ALL the Baldwin brothers slick and shiny and black. That's how much oil we have.

Alberta is a good fit for America. We like guns - you like guns. We both have ex-alcoholic leaders. Imagine the fun they can have sitting around the Oval Office, cleaning their guns and talking about the time at the G-8 summit when they put lampshades on their heads and ran around yelling, "Look at me, I'm a Saudi prince!".

However, Albertans don't come without baggage. Therefore, we have one demand: You have to find dates for our little sister provinces, British Columbia and Saskatchewn. British Columbia could be annexed as well - she's beautiful, but a bit of an airhead. Kind of like California. I suggest we merge the entire left coast into a new state called "SuperCaliforniaExpialidocious". It'll be like an entire coastline full of tasty waves and cool buds, dude.

That leaves Saskatchewan. She's not much to look at, but she has a good personality and works hard. You might not want her, but you'll have to find her some country that will. Perhaps Argentina would be interested - it hasn't had a date since that unfortunate fiscal crisis and is looking a little hard-up.

So let's get down to business, America. You want our oil, and we want... Aw hell. You can have the oil. Just get us away from this Chretien guy - He's weirding us out.